1. I resolve to get in the shape I want to be in. To achieve this I must eat healthy foods, exercise daily, and go to the doctor in spite of my pride.
2. I resolve to read for pleasure more. To achieve this I must manage my time more efficiently.
3. I resolve to do excellently academically. To achieve this I must use all beneficial means necessary.
4. I resolve to gain fulfilling, well-paying employment. To achieve this I must finish a certification course.
5. I resolve to serve and volunteer. To achieve this I must make myself available to those who can use my services in a productive way.
6. I resolve to lead more than follow. To achieve this I must do what is necessary to earn the trust of those who have the authority to grant me positions of leadership. If none are granted to me I must create my own.
7. I resolve to act in spite of my insecurities. To achieve this I must scrape together the small bit of courage I have and throw caution to the wind.
8. I resolve to take the MCAT and do superbly on it. To prepare myself I must study past courses and improve my critical thinking skills.
9. I resolve to find a way to manage my inattentive adult ADHD.
10. Wanna ride bikes?
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Monday, December 10, 2007
Trees
I have a confession, but I have no shame in divulging it. I confess that I am a tree hugger. I have always loved trees. There are many things about them that I find endearing. I love that trees are green. I love that they are so diverse. I love that they keep such good weather records with the width of each ring. I love that my parents and their parents planted trees and I can still go and touch a piece of history as well as a family legacy. I love that trees give off so much oxygen. I love that trees provide homes for animals. I even love trees because they provide homes for us. However, I love trees best for their strength and because that strength represents years of determination and experience. If there was any one thing that I would choose to represent me, it would be a tree.
Now, there was an ice storm this past weekend that destroyed many trees in Oklahoma. Norman is chock full of trees and I have found that those trees give this city a small-town feel. The university is known for its trees because David Ross Boyd, the university's first president, planted them all over campus in an effort to make students feel more at home. Campus is a beautiful place to be because of the trees, but due to the snow storm a great many of these trees have been irrevocably damaged - many even completely destroyed. So, at first sight, the university has become a very dismal place to be simply because of the destruction of natural growth and the rearrangement of scenery that took decades to become so beautiful.
When I was younger my mother would let me decorate our Christmas tree. After I would finish the tree she would often go and move a few ornaments or lights when she thought I wasn't looking. She would rearrange the lights so the branches wouldn't seem so constricted against the trunk. She would shuffle presents underneath the bows to make the tree more beautiful. I used to think she was being a perfectionist, but what I realized with the aftermath of the storm is that while these trees have been seemingly mutilated beyond recognition, Mother Nature has found and will continue to find ways to make them beautiful again. So, what I first saw as a major setback for the beauty of campus is really just a part of life. Nothing can be so steadfast and resolute as not to be broken, but growth will always exist and these things that fought so hard to grow tall and strong will find ways to stand tall and strong again. Some of their weak spots have been attacked, but for those that remain standing they will continue to ascend and improve themselves.
Here's to standing strong and determined.
That's all for now.
Now, there was an ice storm this past weekend that destroyed many trees in Oklahoma. Norman is chock full of trees and I have found that those trees give this city a small-town feel. The university is known for its trees because David Ross Boyd, the university's first president, planted them all over campus in an effort to make students feel more at home. Campus is a beautiful place to be because of the trees, but due to the snow storm a great many of these trees have been irrevocably damaged - many even completely destroyed. So, at first sight, the university has become a very dismal place to be simply because of the destruction of natural growth and the rearrangement of scenery that took decades to become so beautiful.
When I was younger my mother would let me decorate our Christmas tree. After I would finish the tree she would often go and move a few ornaments or lights when she thought I wasn't looking. She would rearrange the lights so the branches wouldn't seem so constricted against the trunk. She would shuffle presents underneath the bows to make the tree more beautiful. I used to think she was being a perfectionist, but what I realized with the aftermath of the storm is that while these trees have been seemingly mutilated beyond recognition, Mother Nature has found and will continue to find ways to make them beautiful again. So, what I first saw as a major setback for the beauty of campus is really just a part of life. Nothing can be so steadfast and resolute as not to be broken, but growth will always exist and these things that fought so hard to grow tall and strong will find ways to stand tall and strong again. Some of their weak spots have been attacked, but for those that remain standing they will continue to ascend and improve themselves.
Here's to standing strong and determined.
That's all for now.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Thanks, USA!
I am an exceptional person. I don't mean to sound conceited. I'm just trying to point out that I don't think I'm average or mediocre in any way. I enjoy life, but the Man has me down.
My disappointment lies with my government. Due to government requirements and bureaucratic red tape, I am treated unequally from my peers and those who are pursuing the same career as I am. I have always had difficulty learning using the system high schools and universities implement. I always knew I had a more difficult time than most and until recently I didn't know that my problem was out of my control. I was diagnosed with Severe Inattentive Adult ADHD last month. My health insurance conveniently decided not to pay for the treatment of my learning disparity and because I was diagnosed while under this insurance plan other insurance companies will not provide compensation for treatment because I have "a pre-existing condition." Insurance through the university will not provide for it and Disability Services (although I don't consider myself disabled) will not give me student benefits unless I am treated. I can't afford $300+ per month of medication nor the $75 monthly fee from the doctor. So, because I can afford neither appropriate health insurance nor treatment, I am effectively being punished for a difference in learning styles . My government has failed me. If I was considered a person of color I would be given a special dispensation on my insurance and through the university. What happened to all men being created equal?
Boo-hoo for the middle class white boy, right? There's a serious problem with America. Equality exists only for those who have the money. I'm going to become a citizen of Mexico and then illegally immigrate back into the states because the US government will take better care of me as an illegal alien than as a tax-paying, law-abiding, voting citizen.
Thanks a lot, USA.
My disappointment lies with my government. Due to government requirements and bureaucratic red tape, I am treated unequally from my peers and those who are pursuing the same career as I am. I have always had difficulty learning using the system high schools and universities implement. I always knew I had a more difficult time than most and until recently I didn't know that my problem was out of my control. I was diagnosed with Severe Inattentive Adult ADHD last month. My health insurance conveniently decided not to pay for the treatment of my learning disparity and because I was diagnosed while under this insurance plan other insurance companies will not provide compensation for treatment because I have "a pre-existing condition." Insurance through the university will not provide for it and Disability Services (although I don't consider myself disabled) will not give me student benefits unless I am treated. I can't afford $300+ per month of medication nor the $75 monthly fee from the doctor. So, because I can afford neither appropriate health insurance nor treatment, I am effectively being punished for a difference in learning styles . My government has failed me. If I was considered a person of color I would be given a special dispensation on my insurance and through the university. What happened to all men being created equal?
Boo-hoo for the middle class white boy, right? There's a serious problem with America. Equality exists only for those who have the money. I'm going to become a citizen of Mexico and then illegally immigrate back into the states because the US government will take better care of me as an illegal alien than as a tax-paying, law-abiding, voting citizen.
Thanks a lot, USA.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Stuck
I'm thankful for today. It's been a rough weekend. I would have done almost anything to be anywhere but here. The high point of my weekend occurred when I was sleeping. Isn't that how life goes? The thing we so desperately want to see appears and disappears when we aren't looking. Maybe my problem is that I'm looking too hard. Maybe I'm trying too hard. I think I might be trying so hard to live my life that I'm missing it completely. I miss a lot.
I miss close friends, driving my car, making music, reading for leisure, doing math problems, having adventures, my family, simplicity, working out, swimming, learning for fun, being a member of a group, snow, the ocean, mountains, the wilderness, my dog, surprises, peace, restful sleep, seeing my handiwork, and having an income. More than anything I miss the dream I once had of how my life would be.
I'm thankful for now. It's been a rough year. People cut loose and multiple moves have made it difficult to connect with others. Damaged trust and failed expectations don't help either. I value people less, emotionally. I know they are still valuable, precious, and rare, but I used to listen intently on what they had to say, good or bad. I used to be deeply involved in their lives. Now I've gotten in the habit of having conversations without actually having them. I phase out. I find a comfortable place in my head and hold onto it until the conversation is over. I'm insincere, guarded, and detached.
My friend told me that I need to be medicated. I'm glad I'm not. I'd just be a drone.
I'm never alone. Even when I'm by myself my past and future always keep me company. Like I said, I'm thankful for NOW - this moment. I can't worry about what I've done because I can't be those moments again. I can't worry about my future because I can't be those moments. All I can be is now and I'm not doing a very good job at being now. I love and hate myself. I am my own worst enemy.
That's all for NOW.
I miss close friends, driving my car, making music, reading for leisure, doing math problems, having adventures, my family, simplicity, working out, swimming, learning for fun, being a member of a group, snow, the ocean, mountains, the wilderness, my dog, surprises, peace, restful sleep, seeing my handiwork, and having an income. More than anything I miss the dream I once had of how my life would be.
I'm thankful for now. It's been a rough year. People cut loose and multiple moves have made it difficult to connect with others. Damaged trust and failed expectations don't help either. I value people less, emotionally. I know they are still valuable, precious, and rare, but I used to listen intently on what they had to say, good or bad. I used to be deeply involved in their lives. Now I've gotten in the habit of having conversations without actually having them. I phase out. I find a comfortable place in my head and hold onto it until the conversation is over. I'm insincere, guarded, and detached.
My friend told me that I need to be medicated. I'm glad I'm not. I'd just be a drone.
I'm never alone. Even when I'm by myself my past and future always keep me company. Like I said, I'm thankful for NOW - this moment. I can't worry about what I've done because I can't be those moments again. I can't worry about my future because I can't be those moments. All I can be is now and I'm not doing a very good job at being now. I love and hate myself. I am my own worst enemy.
That's all for NOW.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Nothing like it.
I'm sitting behind a little partition in the library on campus and thinking to myself about how much I hoped to have accomplished by this time in my life. I was supposed to have graduated by now. It sounds ridiculous. How often do our dreams that didn't come true keep us from dreaming again? My life is not what I thought it would be by now. It's not depression. It's a sort of hunger. I'm about to start the third month of my fifth year in college and instead of looking forward to leaving this place and finding a life of my own I'm looking at a sixth year before I can finally have the chance at attending medical school. I keep telling myself that medical school in Mexico or some other country would be both adventurous and fascinating, but I know that I'll have four years of school wherever I land and I want them to be an adventurous, unexpected four years. It's not a funk or a rut that I'm suffering from. Like I said, it's a hunger. I don't know exactly what will satisfy it, but I know that if I don't find a way to obtain it soon I'll drop everything and go searching for it. It's odd what we want and what we crave. There's a difference, I guess. My cravings are selfish and really only benefit myself. My wants are selfless and benefit everyone. I never have time to indulge in my cravings because my wants override the craving whatever part of me is trying to sooth.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I think my heart - maybe even my soul - is reaching for something fresh. Like a man stranded in the desert, something inside me needs a drink of water, a taste of something life-giving and life-affirming. I live a very scheduled life and I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.
Help.
That's all for now.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I think my heart - maybe even my soul - is reaching for something fresh. Like a man stranded in the desert, something inside me needs a drink of water, a taste of something life-giving and life-affirming. I live a very scheduled life and I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.
Help.
That's all for now.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Flashback
Once again I was having trouble sleeping last night so I listened to some music and played some computer games while refusing to blink until my eyes watered. It sounds stupid, but it has a history of working. ;)
Anyway, while I was performing my ocular excercises, I had a flashback to my childhood. It was my 5th grade year when my family lived in Montana. I was sitting in class when I was called upon by my substitute teacher to answer a question. The substitute teacher went to my church and I knew him well. He had actually been the 5th grade teacher the year before, but had decided to retire and substitute teach when needed. I answered the question correctly when I was called upon, but instead of telling me I was correct he said, "Oh, what do you know? Your dad drives a truck," as if that was somehow a factor in my intelligence. Needless to say, I wrestled with his statement for about a minute trying to hold back tears before breaking down and crying in front of my entire class. Now, it wasn't that he called my intelligence into question that hurt so much. While it was true that my father did drive a truck, my substitute teacher had no idea how much I missed my dad. I vividly remember one of the girls in class turning around, seeing me struggling, and then calling the sub's attention to me. The substitute asked if he had hurt my feelings so I told him he had. I don't remember getting an apology. If I got one I would have remembered if it was sincere or not. I usually remember when I feel like people are being sincere. All I remember after that was how much I missed my dad and how much I hated my substitute for reminding me of it.
My dad is incredibly intelligent, but instead of pursuing an education he took a good-paying job that took him away from his family so we would be taken care of. My sub had no idea that I would have given almost anything to have my dad home every night to see us.
Anyway, when my real teacher came back a few days later he asked me why I gave my sub such a hard time and why I acted out so much in class. I hadn't though. My sub had told my teacher that I acted out in order to cover what he had said. Anyway, that is the only time I can remember being so affected by what someone else said. I learned then that it doesn't matter what people think or say about me. It's my perception of myself that truly matters.
Sorry for the sob story. I just needed to write that down. Someone will remember it for me when I'm gone.
Life is good, for those of you who were wondering. I'm doing well in school and am having a blast learning all this cool stuff. I would have done so much better in my previous classes if the focus had been more on how what I was learning was actually worth knowing. They don't do that at public universities though. The goal is to get my money.
My course at the tech center is more involved than I planned on it being. It's incredibly easy, but it's time consuming and there are quite a few hoops to jump through. I'll get it taken care of though. It's just a matter of time and appropriate planning.
I also e-mailed my professor about going to Mexico again over the winter break. If this semester is going to end up being as challenging as I think it will be, the trip to Mexico will be a reward well deserved.
I'm trying to volunteer at a few places as well as start a work-out regimen. I need to be in reasonably good shape when I hit the beach at Manzanillo.
That's all for now!
Anyway, while I was performing my ocular excercises, I had a flashback to my childhood. It was my 5th grade year when my family lived in Montana. I was sitting in class when I was called upon by my substitute teacher to answer a question. The substitute teacher went to my church and I knew him well. He had actually been the 5th grade teacher the year before, but had decided to retire and substitute teach when needed. I answered the question correctly when I was called upon, but instead of telling me I was correct he said, "Oh, what do you know? Your dad drives a truck," as if that was somehow a factor in my intelligence. Needless to say, I wrestled with his statement for about a minute trying to hold back tears before breaking down and crying in front of my entire class. Now, it wasn't that he called my intelligence into question that hurt so much. While it was true that my father did drive a truck, my substitute teacher had no idea how much I missed my dad. I vividly remember one of the girls in class turning around, seeing me struggling, and then calling the sub's attention to me. The substitute asked if he had hurt my feelings so I told him he had. I don't remember getting an apology. If I got one I would have remembered if it was sincere or not. I usually remember when I feel like people are being sincere. All I remember after that was how much I missed my dad and how much I hated my substitute for reminding me of it.
My dad is incredibly intelligent, but instead of pursuing an education he took a good-paying job that took him away from his family so we would be taken care of. My sub had no idea that I would have given almost anything to have my dad home every night to see us.
Anyway, when my real teacher came back a few days later he asked me why I gave my sub such a hard time and why I acted out so much in class. I hadn't though. My sub had told my teacher that I acted out in order to cover what he had said. Anyway, that is the only time I can remember being so affected by what someone else said. I learned then that it doesn't matter what people think or say about me. It's my perception of myself that truly matters.
Sorry for the sob story. I just needed to write that down. Someone will remember it for me when I'm gone.
Life is good, for those of you who were wondering. I'm doing well in school and am having a blast learning all this cool stuff. I would have done so much better in my previous classes if the focus had been more on how what I was learning was actually worth knowing. They don't do that at public universities though. The goal is to get my money.
My course at the tech center is more involved than I planned on it being. It's incredibly easy, but it's time consuming and there are quite a few hoops to jump through. I'll get it taken care of though. It's just a matter of time and appropriate planning.
I also e-mailed my professor about going to Mexico again over the winter break. If this semester is going to end up being as challenging as I think it will be, the trip to Mexico will be a reward well deserved.
I'm trying to volunteer at a few places as well as start a work-out regimen. I need to be in reasonably good shape when I hit the beach at Manzanillo.
That's all for now!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Progress
My uncle had a minor health problem recently that required surgery and few days in the hospital. His wife and my parents were there when I went to see him. This wasn’t a life-altering problem and knowing that helped us all not to be uptight or worried. It was just the five of us and we shot the breeze for several hours before saying our so-longs and farewells. Seeing my family makes me realize how much I love them. There aren’t sufficient words to describe the feeling I get when I’m with family and there isn’t any tension or fighting. We crack jokes and tell stories, gripe and complain about religion and politics, and simply enjoy each other’s company. I love my family.
I enrolled in a certification course at a technology center nearby. By the end of the course I’ll have hospitals asking me to work for them instead of it being the other way around. If anyone wants more information I’ll be glad to send it their way. Anyway, it’s a great opportunity and I’m looking forward to the end result.
This semester at OU is about as difficult as I expected it to be. I’m only enrolled in 14 hours, but each course is significantly challenging. To my credit, I planned it all this way. Each course has a great deal of overlap with all the other courses and that serves to my advantage because I’m learning much of the material in one class that I am learning in another. I don’t have to study as much since the courses dovetail so well.
I had my hair all cut off. After several people told me my chances of getting a job weren’t very good with long hair I decided to bid it adieu until I have the opportunity to grow it out again. There was a career counselor, however, who said I looked clean-cut even though my hair was 8 inches long and I hadn’t shaved in two weeks. I think she was being nice, don’t you think?
I’m setting aside several mornings and afternoons each week to work out. I weighed myself recently and let’s just say that the scale and mirror are disproportionate to the mental image and weight that I want. I’ve got the frame, but the canvas could use some restoration. I guess I should take advantage of the OU gym since I’m paying so many fees for it anyway. What’s that, you say? A $38.5 million swimming pool?
Anyway, I’ve done quite a bit yet not enough lately and I need to get caught up with my schoolwork and training. You may or may not hear from me soon, but I’ll do my best to leave notes as the opportunity arises.
That’s all for now.
I enrolled in a certification course at a technology center nearby. By the end of the course I’ll have hospitals asking me to work for them instead of it being the other way around. If anyone wants more information I’ll be glad to send it their way. Anyway, it’s a great opportunity and I’m looking forward to the end result.
This semester at OU is about as difficult as I expected it to be. I’m only enrolled in 14 hours, but each course is significantly challenging. To my credit, I planned it all this way. Each course has a great deal of overlap with all the other courses and that serves to my advantage because I’m learning much of the material in one class that I am learning in another. I don’t have to study as much since the courses dovetail so well.
I had my hair all cut off. After several people told me my chances of getting a job weren’t very good with long hair I decided to bid it adieu until I have the opportunity to grow it out again. There was a career counselor, however, who said I looked clean-cut even though my hair was 8 inches long and I hadn’t shaved in two weeks. I think she was being nice, don’t you think?
I’m setting aside several mornings and afternoons each week to work out. I weighed myself recently and let’s just say that the scale and mirror are disproportionate to the mental image and weight that I want. I’ve got the frame, but the canvas could use some restoration. I guess I should take advantage of the OU gym since I’m paying so many fees for it anyway. What’s that, you say? A $38.5 million swimming pool?
Anyway, I’ve done quite a bit yet not enough lately and I need to get caught up with my schoolwork and training. You may or may not hear from me soon, but I’ll do my best to leave notes as the opportunity arises.
That’s all for now.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
GET PUMPED!
I'm pumped! I love all of my courses this semester. I'm thinking about taking a certification course at a tech center nearby. I think I'll wait a week or two before I enroll if I decide to do so. Anyway, I'm feeling great about the future. I've been much more optimistic than usual.
Life is beautiful. I must be in love with something. Maybe I'm in love with school, my career, someone, or something else. I don't know what it is. All I know is that music is sweeter, people seem warmer, the sky is clearer, and I am more confident than I've ever been. It's taken me a while to get it, but life is beautiful no matter the circumstances, the lack of money, the condition or appearance of your house or car, the amount of love you get, or how awful you might let yourself feel. Life is beautiful. Seeing the beauty makes the ugliness tolerable. To me, I have every chance at being successful. Success is not a series of actions, but an attitude.
Life is good. I'm working out the kinks and I have new perspective.
That's all for now.
Life is beautiful. I must be in love with something. Maybe I'm in love with school, my career, someone, or something else. I don't know what it is. All I know is that music is sweeter, people seem warmer, the sky is clearer, and I am more confident than I've ever been. It's taken me a while to get it, but life is beautiful no matter the circumstances, the lack of money, the condition or appearance of your house or car, the amount of love you get, or how awful you might let yourself feel. Life is beautiful. Seeing the beauty makes the ugliness tolerable. To me, I have every chance at being successful. Success is not a series of actions, but an attitude.
Life is good. I'm working out the kinks and I have new perspective.
That's all for now.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Full Circle
Organic Chemistry is over with and I’m a little nervous about my grade. The professor sent an e-mail to the students saying that he had our final grades tallied but that we would need to e-mail him requesting our grades. I had a B going into the final, but I’m nervous about my final grade because the final exam was so difficult. I shouldn’t worry, but I can’t help it.
No worries. If my goal is to lead an interesting, successful, and fulfilling life I can’t live in fear, can I? My birthday is a week from this Saturday and I can’t believe I’m going to be 23 years old. Time is going by so quickly and I always feel like I don’t have much to show for it. I know that will change when I finally graduate, but graduation is an uncertain date far in the future.
I read an entry I posted one year ago today and can’t help but question what happened to the person who wrote it. I’ve changed so much since that day and yet I’m still the same person. Just as I was doing last year I’m thinking about the future, searching for a job, stewing over taking the MCAT, and looking forward to a challenging semester. Anyone can see that I have reason for feeling like I’ve accomplished nothing this past year. I still have so much to accomplish and I think I’m finally ready to achieve the goals I’ve clung to for so long.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Oh Lady
So, I was sitting in class today and the professor put our grades on the overhead projector. Somehow I have a B in Organic Chemistry II. I'm amazed. It's possible to get an A if I do well on the final. Sweet action.
Anyway, the fall semester doesn't start for another three weeks, but I'm already feeling the pinch. The total at OU for textbooks is $761.70. The total would be $826.43 with tax. Ouch. I'm going to www.campusbooks.com to get a listing of the lowest prices on the internet for each book. The total I'll pay online is about $316.57 or $343.67 with tax (if included). Even so, does anyone have a rich uncle? Know any loan sharks?
I think the price of textbooks is ridiculous. Publishing companies are committing highway robbery. I can't believe there hasn't been a wave of outrage and opposition against these prices. Even at half the price, the cost is ridiculous.
Now, with the cost of books, tuition, fees, rent, utilities, food, clothing, gasoline, and other bills, I need a job more than ever. If you've got any good ideas or know of any high-paying jobs out there LET ME KNOW!
Gotta get some work done.
That's all for now.
Anyway, the fall semester doesn't start for another three weeks, but I'm already feeling the pinch. The total at OU for textbooks is $761.70. The total would be $826.43 with tax. Ouch. I'm going to www.campusbooks.com to get a listing of the lowest prices on the internet for each book. The total I'll pay online is about $316.57 or $343.67 with tax (if included). Even so, does anyone have a rich uncle? Know any loan sharks?
I think the price of textbooks is ridiculous. Publishing companies are committing highway robbery. I can't believe there hasn't been a wave of outrage and opposition against these prices. Even at half the price, the cost is ridiculous.
Now, with the cost of books, tuition, fees, rent, utilities, food, clothing, gasoline, and other bills, I need a job more than ever. If you've got any good ideas or know of any high-paying jobs out there LET ME KNOW!
Gotta get some work done.
That's all for now.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Oddity
What an interesting weekend this was. I mean, the zoo is always fun and movies are too, but there's something to be said for the man who walks down the street with a package of beef jerky in his back left pocket and a tube of Aspercreme in the other. What kind of situation does one need to be in for those specific products to be on one's person? I mean, come on. The dude was Mexican, probably a vaquero by what I gathered from his attire, and he seemed very clean-cut save the jerky and topical analgesic. So interesting. Some people never cease to baffle me.
I haven't written much lately because my laptop is on the fritz. I'm using the campus computers right now and that's putting a serious damper on my porn habit. I kid, I kid. Nevertheless, a brand-spankin'-new laptop should not be attempting to commit suicide. Confound Dell and their low prices. I really wish I'd bought an Apple, but price was an issue. Anyway, who really cares, right? It's just a thing. Things can be fixed. If they can't be fixed they can be replaced. If they can't be replaced we can always get some beef jerky and Aspercreme and that should help the pain go away. Hmm... nope. That's not what those things do. I'm still trying to figure that out.
Preceding the meat-loving-vaquero-with-Aspercreme siting my friend and I drove by this hoity-toity Italian restaurant in downtown Oklahoma City. We wanted to go in, but there was a black tie requirement and that wouldn't have gone well with my shorts and sweaty t-shirt. I'm glad we still have pretentious eating establishments though. This fast food nation needs to put a little more uppity in its give-a-damn. Right now, our give-a-damn is broken. That's not always a bad thing, mind you. Apathy has its advantages.
That's all for now.
I haven't written much lately because my laptop is on the fritz. I'm using the campus computers right now and that's putting a serious damper on my porn habit. I kid, I kid. Nevertheless, a brand-spankin'-new laptop should not be attempting to commit suicide. Confound Dell and their low prices. I really wish I'd bought an Apple, but price was an issue. Anyway, who really cares, right? It's just a thing. Things can be fixed. If they can't be fixed they can be replaced. If they can't be replaced we can always get some beef jerky and Aspercreme and that should help the pain go away. Hmm... nope. That's not what those things do. I'm still trying to figure that out.
Preceding the meat-loving-vaquero-with-Aspercreme siting my friend and I drove by this hoity-toity Italian restaurant in downtown Oklahoma City. We wanted to go in, but there was a black tie requirement and that wouldn't have gone well with my shorts and sweaty t-shirt. I'm glad we still have pretentious eating establishments though. This fast food nation needs to put a little more uppity in its give-a-damn. Right now, our give-a-damn is broken. That's not always a bad thing, mind you. Apathy has its advantages.
That's all for now.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Failure
I can’t understand why we program ourselves to fail. It’s like we need to fail in order to have an excuse for not trying the next time an opportunity arises. Why do we do this? There are plenty of opportunities to succeed, but we pass them up because we think they won’t be very helpful to us. Somewhere along the line I’ve allowed myself to get complacent with the idea that I could never be anything but a C student. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m immensely intelligent, but I’ve allowed myself to settle for less. I don’t know how I’ve let myself do it either. I hate losing. You’d think I would have found a way out of this rut by now. I’m not used to winning, so when I actually do I’m very graceful about it. I know I’m not that kind of person. I mean, I like to think I’m reasonably humble, all things considered. I don’t know why I allow myself to feel so defeated sometimes.
It angers me to think about how much we would rather live average lives than fight for success. Maybe it’s just me, but this is something I’m disgusted with. I think far too deeply to figure out how to dig myself out of this hole, so I’m just going to have to tell myself that I won’t settle anymore. I don’t know what frame of mind to have other than one of anger to conquer this sickening cycle of self-sabotage.
I’ve made quite a few mistakes in my life, but I’ve allowed trivial matters to destroy my hope for better things. I’ve allowed myself to think that I’ll never get a job in Norman because I’ve been shot down so many times before. What I neglect to tell myself is that I have had two jobs in Norman and that I just need to fight harder for the next one – the one that will give my career the jumpstart it needs.
I saw a really uplifting movie recently, but the only reason the main character won was because his family came and did most of the work for him. Yes, my family is helping support me financially, but my success if dependent only on myself. If I don’t do what’s necessary to meet my goals no amount of help from my family will save me. Honestly, I feel that getting a good-paying job will afford me more independence and responsibility because I’ll be paying for my living expenses as well as my tuition and fees. Also, I’ll have a way to say “I earned that,” and, “I made that.” The balance in my check register will show the fruits of my hard work. That, in turn, will boost my self-confidence.
Anyway, money is not what I’m trying to talk about. I’m trying to talk about avoiding failure. I know failure is inevitable, but it isn’t the be-all end-all of life. We get back up and try again. As much as I argue that I’ve done my best, I haven’t. I’m so much better than a C student. I’m equipped to do well, I just misuse what I’ve got.
I used to keep a schedule of things I needed to do, but I ended up ambitiously adding so much to the list that I didn’t get any of it done. I’m not asking for help. I’m just going to try something new and look back several weeks from now and see what’s changed. Keep up with me and I’ll let you know how things go.
That’s all for now.
Deuces.
It angers me to think about how much we would rather live average lives than fight for success. Maybe it’s just me, but this is something I’m disgusted with. I think far too deeply to figure out how to dig myself out of this hole, so I’m just going to have to tell myself that I won’t settle anymore. I don’t know what frame of mind to have other than one of anger to conquer this sickening cycle of self-sabotage.
I’ve made quite a few mistakes in my life, but I’ve allowed trivial matters to destroy my hope for better things. I’ve allowed myself to think that I’ll never get a job in Norman because I’ve been shot down so many times before. What I neglect to tell myself is that I have had two jobs in Norman and that I just need to fight harder for the next one – the one that will give my career the jumpstart it needs.
I saw a really uplifting movie recently, but the only reason the main character won was because his family came and did most of the work for him. Yes, my family is helping support me financially, but my success if dependent only on myself. If I don’t do what’s necessary to meet my goals no amount of help from my family will save me. Honestly, I feel that getting a good-paying job will afford me more independence and responsibility because I’ll be paying for my living expenses as well as my tuition and fees. Also, I’ll have a way to say “I earned that,” and, “I made that.” The balance in my check register will show the fruits of my hard work. That, in turn, will boost my self-confidence.
Anyway, money is not what I’m trying to talk about. I’m trying to talk about avoiding failure. I know failure is inevitable, but it isn’t the be-all end-all of life. We get back up and try again. As much as I argue that I’ve done my best, I haven’t. I’m so much better than a C student. I’m equipped to do well, I just misuse what I’ve got.
I used to keep a schedule of things I needed to do, but I ended up ambitiously adding so much to the list that I didn’t get any of it done. I’m not asking for help. I’m just going to try something new and look back several weeks from now and see what’s changed. Keep up with me and I’ll let you know how things go.
That’s all for now.
Deuces.
Friday, July 13, 2007
Friday Friday
So, I walked out of the exam a few moments ago and didn't feel badly about it. I actually slept some last night and although I woke up wanting to stay in bed I got up and went to class for my exam. Although I could have stayed up all night studying and perhaps done better on the exam, the rest I got was far better for me. As I sat down to write today my friend Brittney called me and told me that all of the multiple choice answers had been listed underneath each question. I never noticed them and am kicking myself because I didn't recognize and take advantage of them. I feel better knowing I worked the problems out though. There is always time to learn, even during an exam. Anyway, the rest of the exam was more difficult but I think I did well considering how little studying I got done this week. Getting an education can be difficult, but being sick while pursuing that education makes it much more daunting. I guess that goes without saying.
Anyway, now that the exam is over the weekend has begun. It's a rainy Friday, but I'm sure I can find something to do. I've been meaning to get some reading done this summer and I read the prologue to The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama last night before I fell asleep. It's pretty interesting. I've got a long list of books to read. I think I'm closing in on 100 right now. My goal is to read about 5,000 or so before I die. I'd better get crackin'. There's nothing worth watching on TV anyway.
That's all for now.
Anyway, now that the exam is over the weekend has begun. It's a rainy Friday, but I'm sure I can find something to do. I've been meaning to get some reading done this summer and I read the prologue to The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama last night before I fell asleep. It's pretty interesting. I've got a long list of books to read. I think I'm closing in on 100 right now. My goal is to read about 5,000 or so before I die. I'd better get crackin'. There's nothing worth watching on TV anyway.
That's all for now.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Indian Hunting
Ok. Let's talk. I went to class this morning and fully expected that no one would know what was going on. We're all so lost that we don't even know what questions to ask. Keep in mind that this is an upper-division college course. It's hard. My friend David asked a question and the professor couldn't understand him so he asked David to show what he was asking on the board. He went to the board, asked his question, and the professor belittled him in front of everyone. "Do you not understand resonance? Have you not taken Chemistry before? What is it you do not undastand?!", he yelled. He continued to lambast David. I'll tell you what, if I had been in David's position I would have either turned red with embarrassment or gotten violently confrontational. David is a bigger person than me, I guess. Another friend of mine called the professor out in front of everyone, so the professor gave David 1 (that's ONE) bonus point as an apology for being an ass. Yes, an ass. That's the nicest label I'll afford him. I used some very appropriate labels in class, but I'll be nice and call him an ass on here. Anyway, if he is the same way tonight at the review session I'm going to call him out. He's much nicer to the people who won't take his crap. Since that's the case, I'll expect my A at the end of the semester.
I have a problem when he says you'll be an awful doctor because you're having trouble grasping a certain concept. People aren't born knowing how to do this stuff. It takes a lot of work. We're all busting our butts and the professor is tormenting us. I make a habit of loving everyone, but I'm on the verge of hating this guy. Oh well, I'm about to talk to his higher-ups. If he wants to play hardball, well, game on.
That's all for now. Let's hope I don't get arrested for battery.
Peace.
I have a problem when he says you'll be an awful doctor because you're having trouble grasping a certain concept. People aren't born knowing how to do this stuff. It takes a lot of work. We're all busting our butts and the professor is tormenting us. I make a habit of loving everyone, but I'm on the verge of hating this guy. Oh well, I'm about to talk to his higher-ups. If he wants to play hardball, well, game on.
That's all for now. Let's hope I don't get arrested for battery.
Peace.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Stickin' With It
Yeah, I didn't write yesterday. Sorry. I'm trying to stay on top of things. Distractions sometimes get the best of me though. Anyway, life is good. I got sick again this weekend but it was just because of the pharyngitis from last weekend and the mold. I'm getting better though! As soon as this congestion goes away I'll have a clean bill of health.
My best friend Jesse is coming to visit me today. We've got a whole sha-bang of things planned to do. I doubt we do them all, but we're going to have a blast. I'm hoping she moves in across the street from me. Those would be good times. We're gonna have fun today.
I'm a little behind in class, but I get what's going on. I know, that's shocking to hear from me. I actually understand what I'm reading. The professor is another story, but I'm going to do well on the exam this week.
So, anyway, I'm just stickin' with it and rollin' with the punches.
That's all for now.
Peace.
My best friend Jesse is coming to visit me today. We've got a whole sha-bang of things planned to do. I doubt we do them all, but we're going to have a blast. I'm hoping she moves in across the street from me. Those would be good times. We're gonna have fun today.
I'm a little behind in class, but I get what's going on. I know, that's shocking to hear from me. I actually understand what I'm reading. The professor is another story, but I'm going to do well on the exam this week.
So, anyway, I'm just stickin' with it and rollin' with the punches.
That's all for now.
Peace.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Post 4th
Ok, I took a couple days off from the internet. Whateva.
I went and saw Transformers on Tuesday night. I have to admit that if special effects was the only criterion for measuring the value of a movie then this is the best movie I've ever seen. Leave it to Spielberg's Industrial Light and Magic to create such an amazing film. Also, the 2009 Chevy Camaro is in this film and that is one beautiful machine. I would almost trade my '68 for the new one, but I'm a little attached to what I've got. I love Chevy.
The movie was much more fulfilling than the fireworks display in Chickasha last night. I was really disappointed. Last year's show was really good, but this year was sloppy and exciting like a nursing home. I'm just glad that seeing my family made the trip worthwhile.
My first exam in Organic Chemistry II is tomorrow morning. Quite a few students are considering dropping the course because our professor's speech is so unintelligible. I've had foreign professors before, but this guy might as well be speaking in Hindi. He'll say some jibberish and then say, "You undastand dis? I speaky Engliss." Really, Doc? Really? You could have fooled me...
Oh well, I can't complain too much, otherwise, I'll let it consume my focus which will keep me from learning the material from the text. I don't really have much choice in taking the course. It has to be taken and he's teaching it this coming Fall also. I might as well get it over with. Three more weeks after this one and I'm done. I get a three-week break and then school starts again. I was really hoping to go somewhere for a mini-vacation, but I don't see that happening. I'll just read a book and get a job. I can always go on a vacation in my mind. :-/
Anyway, I'm headed to the gym. It'll be the first time in over a month since I've been there, but I'm out of shape and want to look good. My car shouldn't be the only thing I've got to attract chicks. ;-)
That's all for today. Stay classy, Planet Earth.
I went and saw Transformers on Tuesday night. I have to admit that if special effects was the only criterion for measuring the value of a movie then this is the best movie I've ever seen. Leave it to Spielberg's Industrial Light and Magic to create such an amazing film. Also, the 2009 Chevy Camaro is in this film and that is one beautiful machine. I would almost trade my '68 for the new one, but I'm a little attached to what I've got. I love Chevy.
The movie was much more fulfilling than the fireworks display in Chickasha last night. I was really disappointed. Last year's show was really good, but this year was sloppy and exciting like a nursing home. I'm just glad that seeing my family made the trip worthwhile.
My first exam in Organic Chemistry II is tomorrow morning. Quite a few students are considering dropping the course because our professor's speech is so unintelligible. I've had foreign professors before, but this guy might as well be speaking in Hindi. He'll say some jibberish and then say, "You undastand dis? I speaky Engliss." Really, Doc? Really? You could have fooled me...
Oh well, I can't complain too much, otherwise, I'll let it consume my focus which will keep me from learning the material from the text. I don't really have much choice in taking the course. It has to be taken and he's teaching it this coming Fall also. I might as well get it over with. Three more weeks after this one and I'm done. I get a three-week break and then school starts again. I was really hoping to go somewhere for a mini-vacation, but I don't see that happening. I'll just read a book and get a job. I can always go on a vacation in my mind. :-/
Anyway, I'm headed to the gym. It'll be the first time in over a month since I've been there, but I'm out of shape and want to look good. My car shouldn't be the only thing I've got to attract chicks. ;-)
That's all for today. Stay classy, Planet Earth.
Monday, July 2, 2007
Language Barrier
Well, I didn't end up doing any writing this weekend. I took my final and passed the class. I didn't get the grade I wanted, but I never have to take this course again. The third time was the charm. I wanted to spend the weekend celebrating, but I got sick on Friday afternoon and ended up having to go to the hospital at 5am on Sunday because I was having trouble breathing and swallowing. I quickly looked up what was wrong with me in my Merck Manual and went to the hospital to get some help.
Anyway, my sickness isn't what I'm wanting to talk about. I want to talk about my doctor. When I told my doctor that I was taking organic chemistry for the third time he looked at me and said, "Hey! I did too!" I laughed as much as I could, but his comment wasn't nearly as funny as it was encouraging. Even with his failures he had become the doctor he wanted to be. I found that refreshing. It just goes to show that the only thing keeping us from achieving our dreams is ourselves. I may not get to go to Columbia (a dream come true) for medical school, but I know I will at least be be able to go to medical school. It'll take a lot of hard work, but this is the destiny I've planned for myself and nothing is going to hold me back. [I laugh in Affirmative Action's face.]
Anyway, organic chemistry II started today. My new professor speaks broken english and gets frustrated when people don't respond to him because no one can understand him. Well, that's what you get when you pay for school. You aren't paying for the opportunity to learn from someone as much as you're paying to get a grade for learning the material on your own. I don't know about other institutions in the States, but OU has a horrible track record of recruiting professors of the sciences who speak clear, fluent english. That's one reason why Affirmative Action doesn't work. The government extends liberties to people who are not citizens of this nation. Affirmative Action was a good idea, but implementing it has simply created reverse racism. Besides ignoring the equality of ALL peoples, it gives people what they haven't earned and don't deserve. I heard of someone who practically aced his MCAT, but was denied entry to a medical school because a person of color with a much lower score was given his spot simply because of race. Talk about inequality. America may say it stands for one thing, but it rarely practices what it preaches. We are a society of complete contradiction. And so, I can't respect a professor who is hired and given tenure if he can't speak english. How am I to know if an American professor was turned down for the job because he wasn't in the minority? In general, the ability to speak clear, concise english should be the number 1 priority when it comes to hiring someone in this country. If other countries want the freedoms and privileges we have then they should fight as we have fought for them instead of expecting a hand-out. I know every rule has an exception, but there's difference between bending the rules and breaking them. We should never make exceptions when it comes to being able to communicate.
I'm going to stop for now. I'm getting a little heated.
That's all for today. Look for me tomorrow.
Anyway, my sickness isn't what I'm wanting to talk about. I want to talk about my doctor. When I told my doctor that I was taking organic chemistry for the third time he looked at me and said, "Hey! I did too!" I laughed as much as I could, but his comment wasn't nearly as funny as it was encouraging. Even with his failures he had become the doctor he wanted to be. I found that refreshing. It just goes to show that the only thing keeping us from achieving our dreams is ourselves. I may not get to go to Columbia (a dream come true) for medical school, but I know I will at least be be able to go to medical school. It'll take a lot of hard work, but this is the destiny I've planned for myself and nothing is going to hold me back. [I laugh in Affirmative Action's face.]
Anyway, organic chemistry II started today. My new professor speaks broken english and gets frustrated when people don't respond to him because no one can understand him. Well, that's what you get when you pay for school. You aren't paying for the opportunity to learn from someone as much as you're paying to get a grade for learning the material on your own. I don't know about other institutions in the States, but OU has a horrible track record of recruiting professors of the sciences who speak clear, fluent english. That's one reason why Affirmative Action doesn't work. The government extends liberties to people who are not citizens of this nation. Affirmative Action was a good idea, but implementing it has simply created reverse racism. Besides ignoring the equality of ALL peoples, it gives people what they haven't earned and don't deserve. I heard of someone who practically aced his MCAT, but was denied entry to a medical school because a person of color with a much lower score was given his spot simply because of race. Talk about inequality. America may say it stands for one thing, but it rarely practices what it preaches. We are a society of complete contradiction. And so, I can't respect a professor who is hired and given tenure if he can't speak english. How am I to know if an American professor was turned down for the job because he wasn't in the minority? In general, the ability to speak clear, concise english should be the number 1 priority when it comes to hiring someone in this country. If other countries want the freedoms and privileges we have then they should fight as we have fought for them instead of expecting a hand-out. I know every rule has an exception, but there's difference between bending the rules and breaking them. We should never make exceptions when it comes to being able to communicate.
I'm going to stop for now. I'm getting a little heated.
That's all for today. Look for me tomorrow.
Friday, June 29, 2007
BLAH!
Ok, it's 6:15am, I've gotten just over 1 1/2 hours of sleep, and my exam is looming. I'm in the middle of the stampede and I've got rocks in my shoes. I don't know what to do, really. I'm devoid of sleep and any comprehension of organic chemistry now. I'm just ready for it to be over with again. I don't like this feeling. I'd like to do so well in a course that I don't want it to end. I don't have many academic victories. I'm going to believe that I will from now on. This course required far too much work for being only 4 weeks long. Like I said, I may not know what I'm doing, but I'm ready for this to all be over with. BLAH! I'm going to believe I'll do well until I see that I see otherwise. I may be back later.
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Same ol', same ol'
Again, nothing much to say today. Just getting ready to study after I have a bite to eat and possibly a nap. The stampede is here. Some of these suckers had their horns sharpened. No matter. I’m far enough ahead that I can steer clear of those pointy unfavorablenesses.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Busy, busy
Nothing much to say today. Just doing homework and getting caught up. Things are getting better. The second stampede is almost here but I'm lacing up my running shoes and stretching. A few warm-up laps and I'll be good. Look for me. I'll be the guy zooming past all the slower folks. :-)
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
What's Wrong With Rain?
It's raining today. The weatherman on KRXO said that it is supposed to rain for the rest of the week. I love it. I've always loved rain, but I don't know why. I just love the rain. It gives me the same feeling I get after a good shower: clean and refreshed.
I just learned that there's going to be a negative curve on my organic chemistry final, but somehow I'm more content that it's raining than worried about my grade. Everyone here is in their own little world. There aren't many people on campus and that makes things a little less stressful than they are during the regular semesters. It's peaceful here.
Norman doesn't see much peace. It operates more like an ant colony. Everyone is on a mission and they don't really care what anyone else is doing. That's the thing about this place. Outside of Norman, the state operates at a slower pace. People work and go home to their families. They don't eat as much fast food. They befriend their coworkers and even go to church with some of them. In Norman, people run from place to place and you'll be hard-pressed to even get a nod of acknowledgement in passing. Don't get me wrong. Norman is nice, but I don't want to be here much longer. I'm giving the place about two more years of my life and then I'm off to another adventure.
Hopefully that new adventure will be medical school, but if that doesn't pan out I'll be a nomad for a while. I want so much to be a doctor, but with my grades as they are and the fact that I'm starting to burn out, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to last. My grades aren't poor, but they're average. I hate being average. Who wants an average doctor? I feel like this course is going to eat me alive. I've gained some weight in the past four weeks. I don't sleep well and that affects my study habits and my ability to concentrate in class. I haven't made time to work out and that makes me feel worse. I love excercise, but I've obsessed more about this course than my health. I feel like I've been trampled in a stampede and left for dead. I guess I could just lay here for a while, but I'm choosing to get back up because I hear the rumbling from a second stampede right behind me. I missed my chance at leading the first running, but maybe I'll get my chance in the second one.
It's still raining. It's funny to see those who left their umbrellas at home running on the sidewalks and crosswalks here. They act like getting wet will kill them; like it will somehow ruin their day. Those with umbrellas cling to them as they would life-preservers and make sure that their strides aren't too long so that the water dripping from their umbrellas won't get on their ankles. People are funny. Why don't they want to get wet? It's not like they won't dry. Even seals come up out of the water to see what the air is like. Why are we so afraid of getting wet? We've become a culture of comfort. Is getting wet really so uncomfortable?
Anyway, I can see the dust from that second stampede on the horizon and I know I'd better be prepared to lead it. That's all for today.
I just learned that there's going to be a negative curve on my organic chemistry final, but somehow I'm more content that it's raining than worried about my grade. Everyone here is in their own little world. There aren't many people on campus and that makes things a little less stressful than they are during the regular semesters. It's peaceful here.
Norman doesn't see much peace. It operates more like an ant colony. Everyone is on a mission and they don't really care what anyone else is doing. That's the thing about this place. Outside of Norman, the state operates at a slower pace. People work and go home to their families. They don't eat as much fast food. They befriend their coworkers and even go to church with some of them. In Norman, people run from place to place and you'll be hard-pressed to even get a nod of acknowledgement in passing. Don't get me wrong. Norman is nice, but I don't want to be here much longer. I'm giving the place about two more years of my life and then I'm off to another adventure.
Hopefully that new adventure will be medical school, but if that doesn't pan out I'll be a nomad for a while. I want so much to be a doctor, but with my grades as they are and the fact that I'm starting to burn out, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to last. My grades aren't poor, but they're average. I hate being average. Who wants an average doctor? I feel like this course is going to eat me alive. I've gained some weight in the past four weeks. I don't sleep well and that affects my study habits and my ability to concentrate in class. I haven't made time to work out and that makes me feel worse. I love excercise, but I've obsessed more about this course than my health. I feel like I've been trampled in a stampede and left for dead. I guess I could just lay here for a while, but I'm choosing to get back up because I hear the rumbling from a second stampede right behind me. I missed my chance at leading the first running, but maybe I'll get my chance in the second one.
It's still raining. It's funny to see those who left their umbrellas at home running on the sidewalks and crosswalks here. They act like getting wet will kill them; like it will somehow ruin their day. Those with umbrellas cling to them as they would life-preservers and make sure that their strides aren't too long so that the water dripping from their umbrellas won't get on their ankles. People are funny. Why don't they want to get wet? It's not like they won't dry. Even seals come up out of the water to see what the air is like. Why are we so afraid of getting wet? We've become a culture of comfort. Is getting wet really so uncomfortable?
Anyway, I can see the dust from that second stampede on the horizon and I know I'd better be prepared to lead it. That's all for today.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Luck? I don't think so.
So, I have a make-or-break exam tonight but I thought of something I wanted to write down first. I know I should be studying but writing things down gives a cohesiveness to my already fragmented life. I'm just trying to put all the pieces back together.
I just spoke with some people about the exam we're about to take and I found myself saying "Good luck" to them like I actually put faith or weight in luck. I meant well, but I don't believe in luck. It'll take much more proof of its existence for me to do that. So, I questioned myself about my well-wishing because I don't believe in the thing I wished they would have. Does this make sense?
The stress of getting an education can make you lose yourself when all you're trying to do is find yourself. School has made me feel like I have no idea who I am. At the same time, I've never been more sure of who I am and am becoming. What college has done is make me realize that no one really knows who they are at first. You don't find many people who understand who they are and that's sad. There are the folks who say they're here because God sent them or that their energies led them to where they are. What they're really saying is, "I don't know who I am," and, "I don't know what my purpose is," or even, "I would rather identify myself with something convenient than allow myself to be vulnerable and let someone know who I really am and what I stand for." Yep, that's what they're saying. Then again, there are the people who say they know who they are and what they stand for, but they won't tell you why. So many of the people we see today are living the lives their parents, teachers, or advisors planned out for them. Why aren't people in command of who they are?
I'm thinking about this because I thought I was in command of what I believed, but what I did was give the false impression that I believe that luck exists. It isn't about believing in luck. It's about my actions regardless of what I believe in. I often do what everyone else does and muddle my own ethic. I like the word "ethic". I think I might start using it more. I'm trying to adapt my ethic into what I truly believe and stand for. I've had more self-discovery in the last year than I can shake a stick at (what does that mean?), but my actions haven't exactly mirrored my inner change. I've changed my schedule, my living arrangements (twice), my excercise habits, my eating habits, my sleeping habits, how much I trust people, how much I dislike people, and how much I really love people. I've adapted it all into a Quality vs Quantity equation.
HA! Just now someone came up to me and wished me luck on the exam. I said "Same to you," and then corrected myself and told her that I didn't believe in luck, so I said, "Godspeed." I won't deny my belief in God. I won't deny my belief in Christ and his teachings. At the same time, I won't deny that I'm looking for something more fulfilling in my life than the pursuit of Christianity as it is falsely practiced today.
Back to the Quality vs. Quantity thing:
What I was trying to say is that I compare everything now with what it used to be. I compare my love of one person to another. I compare my habits with how they used to be. I compare everything and then weight out how much those things need to increase or decrease depending on how much they benefit me. It sounds absolutely selfish, but in the end I'm giving more of myself than I would have if I wasn't keeping track. I may not make any sense right now, but I know that I'm contributing to the improvement of others' lives as well as mine. Funnel this all down into a single phrase and this is what you'll get: You get what you give.
It's karma. What you do for good or evil determines what you will experience later in life. I looked up the definition of karma and it basically says that karma is fate or destiny. I've said that fate and destiny don't exist, but what I'm really saying is that I don't believe they pre-exist. I believe that my fate or destiny - although God may know how my life will turn out - does not already exist. I believe I have command over what I do in life. I don't think of fate or destiny as the events that end my life, but as the grand total of all that my life has amounted to. That's quantity. I want to do it all. More importantly, I want to do it all WELL. That's quality. So, where I have been lacking in my practice of what I believe, I am improving upon until I reach excellence. So, don't wish me luck, but wish me well. I'll do the same for you. Keep looking out for what you really want in life and it will find you. Karma exists. This is why I'm so interested in Buddhism. It's not as much of a religion as it is a practice of doing unto others and you would have them do unto you.
That's all for now. I hope you all find peace today.
SHALOM!
I just spoke with some people about the exam we're about to take and I found myself saying "Good luck" to them like I actually put faith or weight in luck. I meant well, but I don't believe in luck. It'll take much more proof of its existence for me to do that. So, I questioned myself about my well-wishing because I don't believe in the thing I wished they would have. Does this make sense?
The stress of getting an education can make you lose yourself when all you're trying to do is find yourself. School has made me feel like I have no idea who I am. At the same time, I've never been more sure of who I am and am becoming. What college has done is make me realize that no one really knows who they are at first. You don't find many people who understand who they are and that's sad. There are the folks who say they're here because God sent them or that their energies led them to where they are. What they're really saying is, "I don't know who I am," and, "I don't know what my purpose is," or even, "I would rather identify myself with something convenient than allow myself to be vulnerable and let someone know who I really am and what I stand for." Yep, that's what they're saying. Then again, there are the people who say they know who they are and what they stand for, but they won't tell you why. So many of the people we see today are living the lives their parents, teachers, or advisors planned out for them. Why aren't people in command of who they are?
I'm thinking about this because I thought I was in command of what I believed, but what I did was give the false impression that I believe that luck exists. It isn't about believing in luck. It's about my actions regardless of what I believe in. I often do what everyone else does and muddle my own ethic. I like the word "ethic". I think I might start using it more. I'm trying to adapt my ethic into what I truly believe and stand for. I've had more self-discovery in the last year than I can shake a stick at (what does that mean?), but my actions haven't exactly mirrored my inner change. I've changed my schedule, my living arrangements (twice), my excercise habits, my eating habits, my sleeping habits, how much I trust people, how much I dislike people, and how much I really love people. I've adapted it all into a Quality vs Quantity equation.
HA! Just now someone came up to me and wished me luck on the exam. I said "Same to you," and then corrected myself and told her that I didn't believe in luck, so I said, "Godspeed." I won't deny my belief in God. I won't deny my belief in Christ and his teachings. At the same time, I won't deny that I'm looking for something more fulfilling in my life than the pursuit of Christianity as it is falsely practiced today.
Back to the Quality vs. Quantity thing:
What I was trying to say is that I compare everything now with what it used to be. I compare my love of one person to another. I compare my habits with how they used to be. I compare everything and then weight out how much those things need to increase or decrease depending on how much they benefit me. It sounds absolutely selfish, but in the end I'm giving more of myself than I would have if I wasn't keeping track. I may not make any sense right now, but I know that I'm contributing to the improvement of others' lives as well as mine. Funnel this all down into a single phrase and this is what you'll get: You get what you give.
It's karma. What you do for good or evil determines what you will experience later in life. I looked up the definition of karma and it basically says that karma is fate or destiny. I've said that fate and destiny don't exist, but what I'm really saying is that I don't believe they pre-exist. I believe that my fate or destiny - although God may know how my life will turn out - does not already exist. I believe I have command over what I do in life. I don't think of fate or destiny as the events that end my life, but as the grand total of all that my life has amounted to. That's quantity. I want to do it all. More importantly, I want to do it all WELL. That's quality. So, where I have been lacking in my practice of what I believe, I am improving upon until I reach excellence. So, don't wish me luck, but wish me well. I'll do the same for you. Keep looking out for what you really want in life and it will find you. Karma exists. This is why I'm so interested in Buddhism. It's not as much of a religion as it is a practice of doing unto others and you would have them do unto you.
That's all for now. I hope you all find peace today.
SHALOM!
Saturday, June 23, 2007
What "The Word" Really Is
I know I have a long history of telling people that religion by itself is a joke. I'm still standing by what I said if you go by my definition of religion, but for those of you that don't know that definition, I define religion as a ritual of any kind that is shallow, faithless, and mindless. In other words, religion without faith is just religion. Religion with faith is a way of life.
Religion with faith and belief is nice, but religion with empty faith and blind belief is the driving force behind the religious wars of our age. This is why I disagree that parents should indoctrinate their children in the religions they were brought up in. Yes, the child should be made aware of his/her parents' beliefs, but those beliefs should not be forced upon him/her. This is my first problem with religion. All the people who have been brought up a certain way are not allowed to decide for themselves what they truly believe because they are effectively brainwashed into accepting that there is no other way to live. We should be allowed to decide for ourselves.
My friend Josh and I went to a bookstore yesterday and he casually mentioned that there is a verse in 1 Timothy having to do with the status of women and how they might be saved. As he described it to me, I thought to myself about how it couldn't possibly be in the Bible, much less the New Testament, but then we looked it up and I was surprised to find that what he had said was true. The Apostle Paul says:
A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.
- 1 Timothy 2:11-15
Let me begin by saying that I disagree with these verses and that I don't believe women are subservient to men. Personally, I learn better from women and am better able to speak with them than men. I think that although the books of the Bible may be God-inspired, it wasn't as if each person doing the writing didn't add a bit of his own ethic. Also, there are portions of the Bible that have been entirely removed and even destroyed because they enraged the religious. For these reasons, I find that the Bible in its entirety is not infallible. Now, before the religious folks crucify me for what I just said, let me clearly specify what I'm saying and why I believe what I say. Please be aware that when I say "the religious", I mean those who practice blindly and sooner condemn than practice what Christ taught.
When I say that the Bible is not infallible the religious immediately throw John 1:1 at me. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." For me to say that the Bible is not infallible would make God imperfect and thus nonexistent because "the Word was God." Well, I believe that John 1:1 is completely true, but where I differ from the religious is my definition of "the Word." The Word is not the Holy Bible. The Bible didn't even exist as the book we know it be when John 1:1 was written. The Word is the message of salvation that Christ taught, not a book of contradictory teachings. Christ taught the message, but Christ was the message - the Word was God. Christ was and is a message from the Father. Christ is God. God is eternal. No, God is sempiternal, meaning having neither beginning nor end. The Word has always existed.
If you understand what I'm saying, refer back to 1 Timothy as written by the apostle Paul, an imperfect man. We don't know if Mary Magdalene ever had children, but if we base our beliefs on the words in 1 Timothy and assume she didn't give birth, she had to have gone to Hell. What about the women who cannot bear children? What about the women who are already in positions of authority over men? Does Joyce Meyer ring any bells? So, the first things most non-Christians think when they hear of Christianity are negative thoughts. This is because the Body of Christ (as we are called in the Bible) lives mostly outside the teachings and example of Jesus. The Body has become the religious. Consider how contradictory the Bible is before you judge the church that follows it. Jesus never says that believing in the Bible will grant us entry to Heaven. He says that the one who believes in him will live.
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"
- John 11:25-26
So, if the religious still want to shut me up I hope they remember that it was they who crucified Jesus, not the Jews. For those of us who are fed up with the rigid, fundamentalist, dogmatic approach to true Christianity, remember that the most important thing is following and believing in Christ, not blindly practicing the imperfect, misled religion we so often discredit him for.
If anyone is interested, I'm looking into Buddhist-Christianity. I can't say I'll follow it, but I'm looking into it.
Religion with faith and belief is nice, but religion with empty faith and blind belief is the driving force behind the religious wars of our age. This is why I disagree that parents should indoctrinate their children in the religions they were brought up in. Yes, the child should be made aware of his/her parents' beliefs, but those beliefs should not be forced upon him/her. This is my first problem with religion. All the people who have been brought up a certain way are not allowed to decide for themselves what they truly believe because they are effectively brainwashed into accepting that there is no other way to live. We should be allowed to decide for ourselves.
My friend Josh and I went to a bookstore yesterday and he casually mentioned that there is a verse in 1 Timothy having to do with the status of women and how they might be saved. As he described it to me, I thought to myself about how it couldn't possibly be in the Bible, much less the New Testament, but then we looked it up and I was surprised to find that what he had said was true. The Apostle Paul says:
A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.
- 1 Timothy 2:11-15
Let me begin by saying that I disagree with these verses and that I don't believe women are subservient to men. Personally, I learn better from women and am better able to speak with them than men. I think that although the books of the Bible may be God-inspired, it wasn't as if each person doing the writing didn't add a bit of his own ethic. Also, there are portions of the Bible that have been entirely removed and even destroyed because they enraged the religious. For these reasons, I find that the Bible in its entirety is not infallible. Now, before the religious folks crucify me for what I just said, let me clearly specify what I'm saying and why I believe what I say. Please be aware that when I say "the religious", I mean those who practice blindly and sooner condemn than practice what Christ taught.
When I say that the Bible is not infallible the religious immediately throw John 1:1 at me. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." For me to say that the Bible is not infallible would make God imperfect and thus nonexistent because "the Word was God." Well, I believe that John 1:1 is completely true, but where I differ from the religious is my definition of "the Word." The Word is not the Holy Bible. The Bible didn't even exist as the book we know it be when John 1:1 was written. The Word is the message of salvation that Christ taught, not a book of contradictory teachings. Christ taught the message, but Christ was the message - the Word was God. Christ was and is a message from the Father. Christ is God. God is eternal. No, God is sempiternal, meaning having neither beginning nor end. The Word has always existed.
If you understand what I'm saying, refer back to 1 Timothy as written by the apostle Paul, an imperfect man. We don't know if Mary Magdalene ever had children, but if we base our beliefs on the words in 1 Timothy and assume she didn't give birth, she had to have gone to Hell. What about the women who cannot bear children? What about the women who are already in positions of authority over men? Does Joyce Meyer ring any bells? So, the first things most non-Christians think when they hear of Christianity are negative thoughts. This is because the Body of Christ (as we are called in the Bible) lives mostly outside the teachings and example of Jesus. The Body has become the religious. Consider how contradictory the Bible is before you judge the church that follows it. Jesus never says that believing in the Bible will grant us entry to Heaven. He says that the one who believes in him will live.
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"
- John 11:25-26
So, if the religious still want to shut me up I hope they remember that it was they who crucified Jesus, not the Jews. For those of us who are fed up with the rigid, fundamentalist, dogmatic approach to true Christianity, remember that the most important thing is following and believing in Christ, not blindly practicing the imperfect, misled religion we so often discredit him for.
If anyone is interested, I'm looking into Buddhist-Christianity. I can't say I'll follow it, but I'm looking into it.
Saturday, June 9, 2007
Where's the surprise?
I’m sitting at McAlister’s Deli in Norman, OK, thinking about how much more I can procrastinate before getting back to work on my summer school homework. I need to get some thoughts out of my head before I get back to work. Writing them down will help me brush them out of my head later as I work. I know my life looks great on paper – that it looks like I’m this guy who’s got it all together and planned out – but lately I hate looking at all these plans I’ve got because they don’t account for surprises; there are no adventures. I haven’t been able to shake the urge to either backpack Europe, spend some time sailing the Caribbean, scaling the Andes, or trekking across Australia and New Zealand. If I have to spend another year in Oklahoma with things as mundane and expected as they’ve been, I’m going to go out of my mind.
There are so many things I want to do in my life. Medicine will be my career, but what of the rest of my life? Where’s my grand adventure? Where’s my incredible quest? What of my scandalous affair with a bronzed, mysterious Basque woman in France? Where is the enthralling story I’ll write about or share with my children? I’m missing something and neither school, nor church, nor work has been able to give me what I’m craving. Yearning isn’t the appropriate word. For some reason I equate that word with sex, i.e. “a yearning in her loins.”
I’m dying to find my niche. What will I be remembered for? I can contribute all I want to the success of society, but what can I claim wholly as mine? I’ve done everything for the benefit of society, but I have no exceptional stories and no unforgettable exploits to boast of.
When will I catch my break?
There are so many things I want to do in my life. Medicine will be my career, but what of the rest of my life? Where’s my grand adventure? Where’s my incredible quest? What of my scandalous affair with a bronzed, mysterious Basque woman in France? Where is the enthralling story I’ll write about or share with my children? I’m missing something and neither school, nor church, nor work has been able to give me what I’m craving. Yearning isn’t the appropriate word. For some reason I equate that word with sex, i.e. “a yearning in her loins.”
I’m dying to find my niche. What will I be remembered for? I can contribute all I want to the success of society, but what can I claim wholly as mine? I’ve done everything for the benefit of society, but I have no exceptional stories and no unforgettable exploits to boast of.
When will I catch my break?
Thursday, April 19, 2007
"Everyday in every way it's getting better and better." - John Lennon
I'm beginning this message at about 6:30am, April 16th, 2007. I'm at a friend's home doing an all-night study session for an exam I have in three hours. It may seem like I'm wasting my time by blogging rather than studying, but I had to remark on my current state of mind.
I LOVE MY LIFE. You may think I'm delirious from my lack of sleep. You may be right, but it could be the lack of sleep that makes me realize how good I've really got it. I'm pursuing the life and career I've dreamed about. So few people in the world have that opportunity. I'm truly thankful for it.
I am about to end my fourth year of college and I look at all the people who have come in and out of my life and how I've learned something from every one of them. Some have stayed with me. Some haven't. Either way, their presence in my life has helped shape the person I am now. I'm glad I've met everyone I have. I look forward to meeting new people and to being an influence in their lives as well. Life is incredible.
Some of my closest friends will be graduating at the end of this semester and moving on to bigger, better things. I may never see some of them again, but they'll always be with me. The pain of letting them go is part of the beauty of life. Sometimes we have to let people go in order to gain a stronger grasp of who we are. It hurts to let them leave us. Sometimes it feels as though we'll never get over losing them or that we'll never be the same. You know you've met an incredible person when they've made such an impact on you. To think you'll never be the same without them is really an honor to them. Only extraordinary people can have such an effect on others.
Life goes on with or without these people. What's important to remember is that no one ever survives life. We'll all be gone someday and our descendants will be faced with similar problems to those we face today. Why not live lives of passion and purpose and be the example we've so desperately searched for in this generation? That's my goal. That's my dream. I may have to go without sleep much like I have this past night to realize my dream, but the sacrifice is worth it. We can't let the people who are no longer with us to keep us from being the people we haven't yet become. Fight for your dream and never give up on it. I'm on my way to do that now...
I LOVE MY LIFE. You may think I'm delirious from my lack of sleep. You may be right, but it could be the lack of sleep that makes me realize how good I've really got it. I'm pursuing the life and career I've dreamed about. So few people in the world have that opportunity. I'm truly thankful for it.
I am about to end my fourth year of college and I look at all the people who have come in and out of my life and how I've learned something from every one of them. Some have stayed with me. Some haven't. Either way, their presence in my life has helped shape the person I am now. I'm glad I've met everyone I have. I look forward to meeting new people and to being an influence in their lives as well. Life is incredible.
Some of my closest friends will be graduating at the end of this semester and moving on to bigger, better things. I may never see some of them again, but they'll always be with me. The pain of letting them go is part of the beauty of life. Sometimes we have to let people go in order to gain a stronger grasp of who we are. It hurts to let them leave us. Sometimes it feels as though we'll never get over losing them or that we'll never be the same. You know you've met an incredible person when they've made such an impact on you. To think you'll never be the same without them is really an honor to them. Only extraordinary people can have such an effect on others.
Life goes on with or without these people. What's important to remember is that no one ever survives life. We'll all be gone someday and our descendants will be faced with similar problems to those we face today. Why not live lives of passion and purpose and be the example we've so desperately searched for in this generation? That's my goal. That's my dream. I may have to go without sleep much like I have this past night to realize my dream, but the sacrifice is worth it. We can't let the people who are no longer with us to keep us from being the people we haven't yet become. Fight for your dream and never give up on it. I'm on my way to do that now...
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