So, I have a make-or-break exam tonight but I thought of something I wanted to write down first. I know I should be studying but writing things down gives a cohesiveness to my already fragmented life. I'm just trying to put all the pieces back together.
I just spoke with some people about the exam we're about to take and I found myself saying "Good luck" to them like I actually put faith or weight in luck. I meant well, but I don't believe in luck. It'll take much more proof of its existence for me to do that. So, I questioned myself about my well-wishing because I don't believe in the thing I wished they would have. Does this make sense?
The stress of getting an education can make you lose yourself when all you're trying to do is find yourself. School has made me feel like I have no idea who I am. At the same time, I've never been more sure of who I am and am becoming. What college has done is make me realize that no one really knows who they are at first. You don't find many people who understand who they are and that's sad. There are the folks who say they're here because God sent them or that their energies led them to where they are. What they're really saying is, "I don't know who I am," and, "I don't know what my purpose is," or even, "I would rather identify myself with something convenient than allow myself to be vulnerable and let someone know who I really am and what I stand for." Yep, that's what they're saying. Then again, there are the people who say they know who they are and what they stand for, but they won't tell you why. So many of the people we see today are living the lives their parents, teachers, or advisors planned out for them. Why aren't people in command of who they are?
I'm thinking about this because I thought I was in command of what I believed, but what I did was give the false impression that I believe that luck exists. It isn't about believing in luck. It's about my actions regardless of what I believe in. I often do what everyone else does and muddle my own ethic. I like the word "ethic". I think I might start using it more. I'm trying to adapt my ethic into what I truly believe and stand for. I've had more self-discovery in the last year than I can shake a stick at (what does that mean?), but my actions haven't exactly mirrored my inner change. I've changed my schedule, my living arrangements (twice), my excercise habits, my eating habits, my sleeping habits, how much I trust people, how much I dislike people, and how much I really love people. I've adapted it all into a Quality vs Quantity equation.
HA! Just now someone came up to me and wished me luck on the exam. I said "Same to you," and then corrected myself and told her that I didn't believe in luck, so I said, "Godspeed." I won't deny my belief in God. I won't deny my belief in Christ and his teachings. At the same time, I won't deny that I'm looking for something more fulfilling in my life than the pursuit of Christianity as it is falsely practiced today.
Back to the Quality vs. Quantity thing:
What I was trying to say is that I compare everything now with what it used to be. I compare my love of one person to another. I compare my habits with how they used to be. I compare everything and then weight out how much those things need to increase or decrease depending on how much they benefit me. It sounds absolutely selfish, but in the end I'm giving more of myself than I would have if I wasn't keeping track. I may not make any sense right now, but I know that I'm contributing to the improvement of others' lives as well as mine. Funnel this all down into a single phrase and this is what you'll get: You get what you give.
It's karma. What you do for good or evil determines what you will experience later in life. I looked up the definition of karma and it basically says that karma is fate or destiny. I've said that fate and destiny don't exist, but what I'm really saying is that I don't believe they pre-exist. I believe that my fate or destiny - although God may know how my life will turn out - does not already exist. I believe I have command over what I do in life. I don't think of fate or destiny as the events that end my life, but as the grand total of all that my life has amounted to. That's quantity. I want to do it all. More importantly, I want to do it all WELL. That's quality. So, where I have been lacking in my practice of what I believe, I am improving upon until I reach excellence. So, don't wish me luck, but wish me well. I'll do the same for you. Keep looking out for what you really want in life and it will find you. Karma exists. This is why I'm so interested in Buddhism. It's not as much of a religion as it is a practice of doing unto others and you would have them do unto you.
That's all for now. I hope you all find peace today.
SHALOM!
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