Sad and Funny

Things are going very well for me. I have two jobs, one of which allows me a large amount of time to study. My courses are fun even though they're challenging. I've got all this hope and optimism floating around in my head and I guess I'm exuding it because people have told me so. The thing is, even with all the great things happening and the hopeful outlook I've got, being able to share all these great things with someone is something I desperately crave.
In 24 years of living I've never had a problem being alone, but someday I'll have to graduate college and enter the real world. When that day comes I may not have a problem with being alone. When that day comes I may realize that being in a relationship is just not something I am prepared for or capable of. But until that day comes, and until I have a grasp of how likely it is that someone will want to be with me, I can't help but be petrified by the thought of being alone. I can't help that I am devastated when my closest friends fall in love and forget about me or when they drop me for other people. I can't help that I feel destitute and helpless at the thought that they have something I don't: the ability to forget about everyone and everything when with that certain someone. I can't help that I feel hopeless about my love life, but at least I'm hopeful about most everything else.

Life is sad, but life is funny. Our pain makes us more aware of our happiness, I guess.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”
- Buddha (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddhartha, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.)

Unique

Something is either unique or it isn't. There are no degrees of uniqueness.

I'm in a unique situation experiencing emotions that are not unique. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I feel hopeful and hopeless at the same time. I've still got some of the happy-go-lucky state of mind from my childhood, but I'm feeling the need to grow up. I don't want to do that. Everyone has to do it - even those who never really knew what a gift their childhood was when they had it; if they had it. This is such a strange existence I have. My past has been plagued with overwhelming anxiety and self-doubt. If anyone told me I couldn't do something I believed them, but I haven't given up. I won't. I can't. I've come too far to give up. I'm not here to validate myself in the eyes of the world, but to validate myself in my own eyes. I'm here to know what it feels like to be truly successful. I'm here to know what it is to accomplish my greatest dream and continue to live it.

There are so many things I want, but I'd mostly love not to feel so alone. I've spent my past isolated from the friends and family I love, whether emotionally or physically. I'm still looking for someone I can connect with without fear of judgment or that awkward feeling when putting oneself out there. I'd love my friends to know that I think of them as family and not just friends.
I may not have many close friends, but I'd give my life for the few I have. I have a lot of love to give and few who might return it. I feel unique in this situation, but I know I'm not. No one likes being alone all the time.

I'm might be ready for a relationship. I don't know yet.

Something is either unique or it isn't. Which am I?

Ready?

Maybe I'm not ready for love yet, but I think I might be close. Maybe no one is ever ready. I don't even know that I'm cut out for love - to be half of a couple. It's a strange picture: me in a relationship. It's one I haven't really seen myself in. It's a picture I don't think many people who know me can see me in. I've had more pictures taken of myself alone than with someone. I don't get my picture taken much. I'm the stranger who is asked to take pictures of others using their cameras. The vacationers. The lovers. The newlyweds. I don't have to be seen or even remembered, but that's my greatest fear. It's funny how we set ourselves up for that which we try so desperately to avoid. I'm ready to be seen and remembered - and loved.

I'll be turning 24 years old this next week, but I can't quite call it a milestone until I've got something to show for it. Right now, it's just a number. It's not a bad number, just one that I thought I'd feel differently about. Where has my summer gone? Here it is coming to a close and it's everything I thought it would be, but not. I met most of my goals this summer. The one I didn't accomplish that is at the top of the list is a summer romance. It was only a soft goal anyway. Tentative. Lofty. Laughable. Easy to dream of, but a rarity even for the average twenty-something. I'm not really that disappointed about not being able to check it off the list. Maybe I want an unorthodox, unlikely romance. My brain is trying to make plans and decisions only my heart is qualified to make.

I did pretty much nothing yesterday. I watched two movies; one of them twice. I confess: they were romantic comedies. Wow, that's easier to type than it is to say out loud. It makes me seem desperate even though I don't feel desperate. I think I watched them for motivation and hope. Mainly hope, I guess. Hollywood makes life seem so much easier than it really is. Fortunes are easy to make when peddling beautiful dreams. Too bad most of the people in the world don't realize those dreams. I like foreign films. They don't always have sugar-coated endings like American movies do. I wouldn't mind having a sugar-coated love-life though.

I'm living with my best friend from high school now. My parents (mainly my dad) don't like that my roommate is a woman, but they (he) will survive. It's done. It's the smartest, best-planned living situation I've ever been in. I just hope my potential girlfriend(s? Ha!) doesn't mind me living with a woman I've known for ten years. I guess I wouldn't date a girl that cared so much. I'm really happy with my decision. Now I just need to get the rest of my stuff moved in. Today. Maybe I shouldn't think so much about things outside of school. I don't know if I'm distracting myself. So what if I am?

I always thought growing up meant knowing the consequences of our actions before we commit them, but no one can really say without a doubt what the consequences are. I guess that means none of us ever really grow up. Boy Scouts will tell you, "Be prepared," but we're never ready for what life throws us. I'm starting to think that the meaning of life is simply to love. It's true that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Not knowing love has made me a bit calloused and cynical. I guess that's the consequence for my emotional ignorance. I'm paraphrasing Pearl S. Buck, but she says that the heart will harden and shrivel away if it doesn't have another to answer to. I really would like my heart to have another to answer to. I don't think that's such an unreasonable thing to want, but I've lived this long without it, so I'm sure I can continue living without it. I'm just not sure I can say I'm living if I don't try. I think only those who have truly loved have truly lived. Maybe I'm ready after all.