Ready?

Maybe I'm not ready for love yet, but I think I might be close. Maybe no one is ever ready. I don't even know that I'm cut out for love - to be half of a couple. It's a strange picture: me in a relationship. It's one I haven't really seen myself in. It's a picture I don't think many people who know me can see me in. I've had more pictures taken of myself alone than with someone. I don't get my picture taken much. I'm the stranger who is asked to take pictures of others using their cameras. The vacationers. The lovers. The newlyweds. I don't have to be seen or even remembered, but that's my greatest fear. It's funny how we set ourselves up for that which we try so desperately to avoid. I'm ready to be seen and remembered - and loved.

I'll be turning 24 years old this next week, but I can't quite call it a milestone until I've got something to show for it. Right now, it's just a number. It's not a bad number, just one that I thought I'd feel differently about. Where has my summer gone? Here it is coming to a close and it's everything I thought it would be, but not. I met most of my goals this summer. The one I didn't accomplish that is at the top of the list is a summer romance. It was only a soft goal anyway. Tentative. Lofty. Laughable. Easy to dream of, but a rarity even for the average twenty-something. I'm not really that disappointed about not being able to check it off the list. Maybe I want an unorthodox, unlikely romance. My brain is trying to make plans and decisions only my heart is qualified to make.

I did pretty much nothing yesterday. I watched two movies; one of them twice. I confess: they were romantic comedies. Wow, that's easier to type than it is to say out loud. It makes me seem desperate even though I don't feel desperate. I think I watched them for motivation and hope. Mainly hope, I guess. Hollywood makes life seem so much easier than it really is. Fortunes are easy to make when peddling beautiful dreams. Too bad most of the people in the world don't realize those dreams. I like foreign films. They don't always have sugar-coated endings like American movies do. I wouldn't mind having a sugar-coated love-life though.

I'm living with my best friend from high school now. My parents (mainly my dad) don't like that my roommate is a woman, but they (he) will survive. It's done. It's the smartest, best-planned living situation I've ever been in. I just hope my potential girlfriend(s? Ha!) doesn't mind me living with a woman I've known for ten years. I guess I wouldn't date a girl that cared so much. I'm really happy with my decision. Now I just need to get the rest of my stuff moved in. Today. Maybe I shouldn't think so much about things outside of school. I don't know if I'm distracting myself. So what if I am?

I always thought growing up meant knowing the consequences of our actions before we commit them, but no one can really say without a doubt what the consequences are. I guess that means none of us ever really grow up. Boy Scouts will tell you, "Be prepared," but we're never ready for what life throws us. I'm starting to think that the meaning of life is simply to love. It's true that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Not knowing love has made me a bit calloused and cynical. I guess that's the consequence for my emotional ignorance. I'm paraphrasing Pearl S. Buck, but she says that the heart will harden and shrivel away if it doesn't have another to answer to. I really would like my heart to have another to answer to. I don't think that's such an unreasonable thing to want, but I've lived this long without it, so I'm sure I can continue living without it. I'm just not sure I can say I'm living if I don't try. I think only those who have truly loved have truly lived. Maybe I'm ready after all.