What do I believe?

I am writing this because I am angry. I hate being lied to. Most of my life has been encapsulated by this enormous cloud of spiritual thinking. I was raised in a Christian home and now I’ve begun to question whether any of this lifestyle called Christianity is based on a true story or a myth that some obscure, demoralized men used to govern people. I wanted so badly to believe what The Bible teaches, but I know that what I learned has been contradicted and refuted. It’s all taking up space in my head that I know I could put to better use. It sounds like I’ve already decided what to believe, doesn’t it?

In John 16:23 (NIV), Jesus says, “I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.” Well, I’ve asked for very few things in Jesus’ name, but those that I’ve asked for were very important to me. I wish I was able to tell everyone that the things I prayed for were given to me, but they weren’t. I prayed and prayed for things that were holy and righteous according to the Bible. I prayed for family harmony, personal growth in God, Christ-serving friendships, and the ability to overcome the many obstacles a college student faces. Did I receive any of these things even though I prayed for years to receive them? Sadly, the answer is no. I didn’t pray for much, but what I prayed for wasn’t given to me. All I can say is that I was lied to.

Many people have told me that I didn’t pray hard enough, believe enough, or have enough faith. Some said I asked too much from God as if telling me that didn’t solidify in my own mind how shallow their faiths were. I was the image of what a Christian should be. I went to church believing I’d hear from God. I worshipped privately at home and openly at church with my hand in the air believing that God would reach down from his throne and touch me. I prayed and read my Bible every morning believing that I would hear from God and learn something of importance from the Word. I led and participated in Bible studies because fellowship is important to the Christian lifestyle, according to Matthew 18:20. I gave my things away because giving was supposed to lead to receiving. I wasn’t expecting to receive material things; just those that I asked for in Jesus’ name. They weren’t given to me.

So, if God really is the master and owner of everything in the universe, why with all that he possesses wouldn’t he give me what I asked for when it was promised to me in John 16:23? Either He is punishing me or he doesn’t exist in the first place. I’ve told people that God must be punishing me because I’ve held out for long periods of time patiently and prayerfully waiting to receive what I asked for in Christ’s name only to continue living without it. When they tell me that God doesn’t work that way I only have one choice: He doesn’t exist at all.

With all that’s in me I want to believe He exists, but with all the evidence against Him and the experiences I’ve had where nothing he promises me is received, well, I’m out of reasons to believe. If I can’t believe then all that I’ve worked for has been a waste. All the time I’ve spent pursuing a deity that is indifferent to my existence was fruitless and is lost time.

The amount of people I repelled and aggravated by “witnessing” to them depresses me. To think of how I could have cultivated real lasting friendships with them but chose instead to avoid them because they lived their lives differently sickens me. I could have been a better person without the Christian label if I had opened my eyes to the possibility that I was the delusional one and they were the ones with all the information that meant something. Yet, with all the things I’ve done in the name of Christ, the only one I truly regret is that I pushed people away out of ignorance to their circumstances and pretended I knew how to live their lives better than they did. I have never felt lonelier in my life. Human beings are social creatures and I believed that all I needed was God and I would never be lonely. I’m lonely not because I’ve given up on God, but because we are all alone. At least that’s something we’re all in together.

Leap Years

I love leap years. I was born in Chickasha, OK in 1984 at the end of the Summer Olympics in Los Angeles. About 2 1/2 months later former Vice President Walter Mondale lost his bid for the White House in a landslide election to President Ronald Reagan.

Leap years have always been significant in my life.

As you already know, I was born in 1984. The Bush Dynasty took possession of the White House in 1988. My family moved to Montana in 1992. In 1996 the FBI stormed the sleepy town where we lived and arrested Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber. We were back in Oklahoma when I got my driver's license in 2000. Then in 2004 as a sophomore at The University of Oklahoma I realized I wanted to be a doctor and changed majors to make it happen. Now the year is 2008 and I will be turning 24 years old during the Summer Olympics in Beijing. Two and a half months later our nation will hold what may be the most important, life-altering, painfully fought presidential election in its history.
These are exciting times in all of our lives, not just mine. I can't say I'm ready for what might happen. Are you?

6 February 2008

Things are going well. I'm studying hard and learning things I never thought I'd learn. I'm getting better acquainted with myself and - believe it or not - I'm not such a bad guy after all. There aren't many things I would change about my life. I'm eating healthy, working out and getting back in shape, studying hard, and even working some. I'm planning on taking the MCAT soon, looking forward to taking some much-needed time off this coming summer, and I'm even planning on taking a vacation somewhere soon. I've decided to learn Spanish but I won't be learning it through the university. I'll do whatever it takes to learn but I'm not going to pay $3000 for courses that don't teach real language fluency.
So, a lot is about to happen in my life. I can't say for certain what exactly will happen, but I can feel it coming. I feel that not being prepared for the turn I'm about to take may ruin my chances of getting where I want to be in life.
I get a feeling of hope and optimism at this time every year. This year seems different - like something will actually happen to justify that sense of optimism. I feel like a lot of good is headed my way and I don't know what I should do to prepare myself for it all. I guess the best thing for me to do is to continue refining myself like I have been. This feels like the beginning of a beautiful thing. I hope it is.
The MCAT scares me though. ;)

That's all for now.

DO NOT WANT!

I have to stay awake. I'm usually a huge fan of sleep, but I realize that doing well this semester will depend on the amount of time I spend awake. I slept about 4 hours early this morning and now I have to do everything within my power to stay awake. My subconscious must be masochistic because I went to the most sleep-inducing place on campus: the library. And what am I doing to stay awake? I'm blogging. I'm talking about it. The worst thing you can do is talk about it. It's like a girl you know you should have asked out. The more you think about it the more you wish you'd done something about it. I should be pretending that the need for sleep doesn't exist. I mean, this is college. I'm not supposed to sleep. I'm supposed to study, party, work, and work out. Sleep is not included. I don't get to party though.
Evolution is stupid. Our bodies should be using energy more efficiently. Why do we have to have sleep? I mean, who in their right minds wants to sleep a third of their lives away? It makes our life expectancies look like a joke. Sure, we're living to be about 80 years old these days, but how much more impressive would it be if we didn't have to sleep 26.667 of those years away? Think about how much more we could accomplish in those 80 years of not sleeping.
So, enough about sleep. I'm going to NOT sleep and get some studying done for all of my -ologies.