Stuck

I'm thankful for today. It's been a rough weekend. I would have done almost anything to be anywhere but here. The high point of my weekend occurred when I was sleeping. Isn't that how life goes? The thing we so desperately want to see appears and disappears when we aren't looking. Maybe my problem is that I'm looking too hard. Maybe I'm trying too hard. I think I might be trying so hard to live my life that I'm missing it completely. I miss a lot.

I miss close friends, driving my car, making music, reading for leisure, doing math problems, having adventures, my family, simplicity, working out, swimming, learning for fun, being a member of a group, snow, the ocean, mountains, the wilderness, my dog, surprises, peace, restful sleep, seeing my handiwork, and having an income. More than anything I miss the dream I once had of how my life would be.

I'm thankful for now. It's been a rough year. People cut loose and multiple moves have made it difficult to connect with others. Damaged trust and failed expectations don't help either. I value people less, emotionally. I know they are still valuable, precious, and rare, but I used to listen intently on what they had to say, good or bad. I used to be deeply involved in their lives. Now I've gotten in the habit of having conversations without actually having them. I phase out. I find a comfortable place in my head and hold onto it until the conversation is over. I'm insincere, guarded, and detached.

My friend told me that I need to be medicated. I'm glad I'm not. I'd just be a drone.

I'm never alone. Even when I'm by myself my past and future always keep me company. Like I said, I'm thankful for NOW - this moment. I can't worry about what I've done because I can't be those moments again. I can't worry about my future because I can't be those moments. All I can be is now and I'm not doing a very good job at being now. I love and hate myself. I am my own worst enemy.

That's all for NOW.