Legacies

I was born in the middle of the afternoon on a hot day in August. My maternal grandmother missed her 50th high school reunion when she heard I was on the way.
My grandmother was with us when, six days after I was born, my mother was at home helping my father fix the leg on a large machine when it fell, knocked her down, and broke her back. My father couldn't wait for an ambulance, so he took the leaf of our kitchen table, strapped my mother to it, and took her to the hospital. As she was being strapped to her makeshift wooden stretcher, she said to her mother, "Take care of my babies." My mom still gets choked up when she talks about that. I can't blame her. Things wouldn't get back to normal for her for many weeks, but her recovery and the care for my brother and me would not have gone so smoothly had it not been for my grandmother.
After my mother recovered and was no longer on bed rest, my grandmother would get up early to open a convenience store in the small town where she lived and then drive to our house to take care of my brother and me while my parents worked. She was always there for us. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do to take care of us. She even knew exactly what to do if my brother was upset or angry. To this day I'm not sure anyone has had the effect on him that she had. In many ways she was the cornerstone of our family.
And so, just over a year after my birth, the doctors said there was nothing they could do and my grandmother's daughters and their husbands watched helplessly as the cancer slowly took her away from everyone she loved. There isn't a day where she isn't desperately missed. I never got to know her, but I've come to miss the woman so many people speak so highly of.
There's so much about her I don't know. I don't know what her cooking tasted like, how her hugs felt, or what she smelled like. I don't know what she sounded like beyond a short video tape we have of her.
However, there are things about her I do know. I know she was dedicated and that she loved her family immeasurably. I know she was a worry-wart and that my father and uncle would playfully tease her about it. I know in her younger years she was very attractive although she was very shy. I know she gave everything she had for her children. I know she was funny, but more than anything I know she was loved because neither of her daughters can speak much of her without coming to tears. She was their rock and - even though she isn't here - I like to think that everything that was good and right and noble about her can be seen in her children. I like to think that the stories she would have told and the wisdom she would have passed down to me can still be found in her children. I like to think the same about both of my grandfathers.
There are so many beautiful things I could have learned from my departed grandparents. The essentials - like being a good man, taking responsibility, and doing what is right - may not be impossible to learn, but such things might have come easier to me with their help and coaching. But, because they were absent when I would have been able to remember them, there are things about them I will never know.
So, at the age of 24, there's quite a bit I still don't know about myself because I don't know much about those I have come from. Sure, I know a lot about the day-to-day person I am, but I don't know how to honor the legacies of those whose lives led to mine. I don't know much about the person I'm able to be. I've been in search of that person for a long time. My grandparents would have wanted me to experience all of the good things they experienced and more, but my hope is to find in myself all that was good in them. Maybe then I will have honored their legacies by becoming the good man they would have hoped for: a man they would be proud to call their grandson. I owe them that much.

Sad and Funny

Things are going very well for me. I have two jobs, one of which allows me a large amount of time to study. My courses are fun even though they're challenging. I've got all this hope and optimism floating around in my head and I guess I'm exuding it because people have told me so. The thing is, even with all the great things happening and the hopeful outlook I've got, being able to share all these great things with someone is something I desperately crave.
In 24 years of living I've never had a problem being alone, but someday I'll have to graduate college and enter the real world. When that day comes I may not have a problem with being alone. When that day comes I may realize that being in a relationship is just not something I am prepared for or capable of. But until that day comes, and until I have a grasp of how likely it is that someone will want to be with me, I can't help but be petrified by the thought of being alone. I can't help that I am devastated when my closest friends fall in love and forget about me or when they drop me for other people. I can't help that I feel destitute and helpless at the thought that they have something I don't: the ability to forget about everyone and everything when with that certain someone. I can't help that I feel hopeless about my love life, but at least I'm hopeful about most everything else.

Life is sad, but life is funny. Our pain makes us more aware of our happiness, I guess.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”
- Buddha (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddhartha, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.)

Unique

Something is either unique or it isn't. There are no degrees of uniqueness.

I'm in a unique situation experiencing emotions that are not unique. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I feel hopeful and hopeless at the same time. I've still got some of the happy-go-lucky state of mind from my childhood, but I'm feeling the need to grow up. I don't want to do that. Everyone has to do it - even those who never really knew what a gift their childhood was when they had it; if they had it. This is such a strange existence I have. My past has been plagued with overwhelming anxiety and self-doubt. If anyone told me I couldn't do something I believed them, but I haven't given up. I won't. I can't. I've come too far to give up. I'm not here to validate myself in the eyes of the world, but to validate myself in my own eyes. I'm here to know what it feels like to be truly successful. I'm here to know what it is to accomplish my greatest dream and continue to live it.

There are so many things I want, but I'd mostly love not to feel so alone. I've spent my past isolated from the friends and family I love, whether emotionally or physically. I'm still looking for someone I can connect with without fear of judgment or that awkward feeling when putting oneself out there. I'd love my friends to know that I think of them as family and not just friends.
I may not have many close friends, but I'd give my life for the few I have. I have a lot of love to give and few who might return it. I feel unique in this situation, but I know I'm not. No one likes being alone all the time.

I'm might be ready for a relationship. I don't know yet.

Something is either unique or it isn't. Which am I?

Ready?

Maybe I'm not ready for love yet, but I think I might be close. Maybe no one is ever ready. I don't even know that I'm cut out for love - to be half of a couple. It's a strange picture: me in a relationship. It's one I haven't really seen myself in. It's a picture I don't think many people who know me can see me in. I've had more pictures taken of myself alone than with someone. I don't get my picture taken much. I'm the stranger who is asked to take pictures of others using their cameras. The vacationers. The lovers. The newlyweds. I don't have to be seen or even remembered, but that's my greatest fear. It's funny how we set ourselves up for that which we try so desperately to avoid. I'm ready to be seen and remembered - and loved.

I'll be turning 24 years old this next week, but I can't quite call it a milestone until I've got something to show for it. Right now, it's just a number. It's not a bad number, just one that I thought I'd feel differently about. Where has my summer gone? Here it is coming to a close and it's everything I thought it would be, but not. I met most of my goals this summer. The one I didn't accomplish that is at the top of the list is a summer romance. It was only a soft goal anyway. Tentative. Lofty. Laughable. Easy to dream of, but a rarity even for the average twenty-something. I'm not really that disappointed about not being able to check it off the list. Maybe I want an unorthodox, unlikely romance. My brain is trying to make plans and decisions only my heart is qualified to make.

I did pretty much nothing yesterday. I watched two movies; one of them twice. I confess: they were romantic comedies. Wow, that's easier to type than it is to say out loud. It makes me seem desperate even though I don't feel desperate. I think I watched them for motivation and hope. Mainly hope, I guess. Hollywood makes life seem so much easier than it really is. Fortunes are easy to make when peddling beautiful dreams. Too bad most of the people in the world don't realize those dreams. I like foreign films. They don't always have sugar-coated endings like American movies do. I wouldn't mind having a sugar-coated love-life though.

I'm living with my best friend from high school now. My parents (mainly my dad) don't like that my roommate is a woman, but they (he) will survive. It's done. It's the smartest, best-planned living situation I've ever been in. I just hope my potential girlfriend(s? Ha!) doesn't mind me living with a woman I've known for ten years. I guess I wouldn't date a girl that cared so much. I'm really happy with my decision. Now I just need to get the rest of my stuff moved in. Today. Maybe I shouldn't think so much about things outside of school. I don't know if I'm distracting myself. So what if I am?

I always thought growing up meant knowing the consequences of our actions before we commit them, but no one can really say without a doubt what the consequences are. I guess that means none of us ever really grow up. Boy Scouts will tell you, "Be prepared," but we're never ready for what life throws us. I'm starting to think that the meaning of life is simply to love. It's true that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Not knowing love has made me a bit calloused and cynical. I guess that's the consequence for my emotional ignorance. I'm paraphrasing Pearl S. Buck, but she says that the heart will harden and shrivel away if it doesn't have another to answer to. I really would like my heart to have another to answer to. I don't think that's such an unreasonable thing to want, but I've lived this long without it, so I'm sure I can continue living without it. I'm just not sure I can say I'm living if I don't try. I think only those who have truly loved have truly lived. Maybe I'm ready after all.

Twice As Far

If anyone wants you to help carry a load, go with him twice as far.

- Matthew 5:41 (Worldwide English)

I love this verse. While I still have objections to what most Christians believe God to be about, this translation helps me connect at least emotionally to the kind of being God is. Serving is a form of worship for me. I feel like I've accomplished something not only for those being served, but for myself. I'm sacrificing time to help someone in need. By doing twice as much as I'm expected to I'll reap twice the reward. That reward may simply be a sense of satisfaction in my work, but that's all I want. I want to feel like I'm making a difference. I guess I need that feeling. I feel motivated when I've helped others because I've helped myself learn what it is to be a better person. Maybe there's a gene for generosity. If I can find a way to turn it on in everyone I will have improved the course of evolution as well as the human condition. Ah, pipe dreams!

"Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is. The most important product of his effort is his own personality."
- Erich Fromm

My life is one large bundle of change right now. I'm moving, finally receiving help in school (and life), and I am looking for a mentor. I'm also about to start working in health care once I finish my certification course. I'm looking for leadership, volunteer, and research opportunities. So far, this school year promises not to disappoint.

Everything's Not Lost

Well, the results are in. I worry too much.

In an effort not to divulge too much information I won't be saying much about my diagnoses. I will say, however, that none of the results from my testing are surprising. My IQ fell in the "Very Superior" range. I'm up there with the movers and shakers as far as IQ is concerned.

Something that is important to note is that people in the range I showed up in generally have perfect or near-perfect GPAs. Now that I know what the problem is and how do address it I expect to be performing much like those in my range - if not exceeding them. The whole process of having the results shown to me gave me a lot of hope. Later, when I was sitting at home listening to music, I turned on one of my favorite playlists and the song "Everything's Not Lost" by Coldplay started playing. It has been my theme music for the day. It just goes to show that in five years of schooling and feeling like a miserable failure I can still feel confident in my abilities to become whatever I want to be. While that goal hasn't changed in four of those years, it seems much more attainable now. I know I can do it. Give me some time to adjust to this new approach and I'll fill you all in on my performance.

Peace and Love,
The Unencumbered

Define Your Legacy

And did you exchange a walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
- "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd

Are you comfortable with conformity? If not, are you willing to accept that you might not get anywhere by living outside the norm?

I'm not comfortable with conformity. I have to accept that everything I'm doing in hopes of realizing my dreams might all be for naught, but I will not sit by and do nothing. I have to accept that by not choosing the easy road I might be setting myself up for disappointment. All I know is that I owe it to myself to fight for what I want. If at some point I come to the conclusion that my dream may not come true I'll at least be able to say I gave it my best shot. It doesn't matter that playing the lead role has limitations. I believe that we each define our limitations. I might end up in a cage, but I intend to define the size of the cage.
I choose the lead role. I can be a team player in academia and my career, but I have to play the lead in living my life. I will not wait for someone to tell me what to do with it.
I choose to be extraordinary and remarkable in spite of the limitations the world may create for me. They are not insurmountable.

I may not have a perfect résumé or grade point average, but surrendering because of my imperfections would make me a coward. Those imperfections make me more qualified than most.

We learn wisdom from failure much more than from success. We often discover what will do, by finding out what will not do; and probably he who never made a mistake never made a discovery.
- Samuel Smiles

While others may see my breaking free from the crowd negatively, they may not hold such an assertion once they see what I am capable of. I cannot give up, nor will I.

Genuinely Myself

It's funny to think that there's only one shot at this life. For all those believing in reincarnation keep in mind that we only have one shot at this life. We can't relive it. Anyway, you have to have guts to live your life the way you want to. That's why I'm coming to the realization that while we've got our friends to lean on, we're each alone in deciding what kind of life we're going to lead. Almost everyone I know in this town will be gone within a matter of months. They'll go on to live their lives according to their plans and I love them for the courage they may not know they have.
The thing is, I've spent the last 5 years of my life looking for the role model I wanted to mold myself after. I realize now that that person doesn't exist. I've had the image of that person in my head for quite some time, but I've waited until now to do the research on how to become that person. I can't be anyone but who I am. How could I be my own person if I modeled my life after someone else? I think I'm better off trying to be my own ideal person than searching for some real person to plagiarize. It's better to live by my own view of what I want to be than by someone else's.
I don't have to live selfishly to be happy, but I have to keep in mind what makes me happy. Helping others makes me happy. The "prolonging lives" and "improving health" bits define my career, but that's how I want to help. I can still be my own person while doing that.
So, all I need to do now is have some guts and live my life the way I can see it being lived. It requires a lot of planning and reorganization, but I'm up for the task. I've grown up more in the last year or so than ever before. I've never felt so alive.

Old Men

A lot of people have known their grandfathers. I am one of those who has never known either of them. Both of my grandfathers died in the mid-70s so I missed out on learning in person what kind of men they were. One would think that I would have found a grandfather-type person to look up to, but I still have moments when I have to remind myself that my own father is around. I guess I got used to having to live without him when I was younger.
I suppose I should say why I'm even writing this. I've got this curiosity as to the man I could have been had I gotten to know the men my parents once knew and called Dad. I would like to have seen the traits and quirks my grandfathers shared with my parents. To have seen what men they were would be a dream come true, but I'll have to make my own assessment of who they were from their children and the stories their children have of them.
In the meantime, I'm searching for someone willing to clue me in on what having a grandfather is like. I didn't have many male role models growing up. My brother thought he could be the father type with me, but while he tried to play the part I sort of missed out on what it was like to have a brother. So much for the male role models of my childhood. By all accounts, I had none. I don't regret much of anything in hindsight, but I know it would have been nice not to have felt so isolated and alone as a child.
Old men have experienced a lot more than I can fathom right now. If I can find someone with a cache of wisdom to talk with, look up to, and be supported by I just might be better equipped to handle my future obstacles. I may never find such a person and even if I don't it simply means that I will have to work harder and make a few more mistakes than I would have had I been able to take the advice of someone more seasoned than myself. I'm not afraid to go it alone. I've done it before, but I wouldn't mind the company.

Discard It

Five years ago today I graduated from high school. To some that may not seem like a long time, but it may help put things into perspective by saying more than one fifth of my life is wound up in those five short years.
It's funny to think how time won't go fast enough when we are younger. We impatiently float through our childhoods and say that once we get away we'll make something of ourselves. Some of us make it and some of us don't. Then there are those who still work at becoming something remarkable, yet fall far from the mark. I can identify with this last group. And now, time feels like it's flying by too quickly to allow me to catch up and fix my mistakes and - after this past semester - my failures. I can't give up because I'd be making waste of this time I've spent; time that I've used learning more about who I am than about what I am here to learn. I'm a work in progress, but I rarely feel like I'm making any progress in my work.
I'm aware that if things don't turn around soon I will have to admit defeat and start the long process of paying off my debt. I'm aware that if things don't turn around that I'll think of my time here as unproductive rather than taking pride in holding two degrees. I am aware of the potential for failure. I'm painfully aware of it all, but spending my time wallowing in regret won't get me anywhere. I'm aware. Now all I can do is prove to myself that I can overcome these failures. Doing so will only teach me more about myself.
I left high school knowing I was smart although I wasn't able to prove it. I'm in much the same boat today although my grade point average serves more as weight against my claim of intelligence than for it. So many people have said I may not be cut out to be a doctor, but they are not only calling my ability to make my dreams come true into question, they are allowing the made-up idea of fate to cloud their vision and belief that I can do it. I believe that outside of saying what someone's ultimate fate was, the only fate that exists is in the plans we make for ourselves and the random experiences we take part in along the way. Any person who says I can't make my dream come true can go to Hell. But sadly, I am the person with the longest history of questioning whether I can do it.
If I am to succeed I can no longer question my future success. To paraphrase a line from one of my favorite movies, I should spend a small amount of time embracing the sadness and regret of my failures and then discard them, never to pick them up again. I hope every person who reads this reprimands me if I am seen wallowing in self-pity or regret. I'm done with it. All it does is keep me from the full, successful, happy life I have planned and fated myself for.

Keep me in your thoughts.

"You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery: enjoy it, embrace it, discard it... and proceed."
- Kirsten Dunst as Claire Colburn in the movie Elizabethtown.

Fear

I have to be at work in less than 6 hours but I can't fall asleep. As usual, my mind can't be still. My brain is running a perpetual race to nowhere. There are a lot of things I need to be open and transparent about. The thing I supposed I should confess is that I am afraid of everything. I'm afraid of success. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of being noticed. I'm afraid of having no legacy and never been remembered. In other words, I'm afraid of everything.
My biggest fear lately is that I'll be a nothing; an unremarkable, invisible, forgotten blip. I've allowed my negative inner monologue to be self-fulfilling. I sometimes think "If I don't work hard enough I'll never amount to anything." Then when I sit down to work my fear of failing sidetracks me and prevents me from getting any real work done. Even now I think my fear and anxiety about work tomorrow is preventing me from going to sleep. I'm seeing someone about these problems, but I'm not out of the woods.
I've always had fear problems. I've always allowed fear to rule me. I don't want to place the blame on anyone, but my parents are masters at being ruled by fear. The fear that rules them most is the fear of money. At my age, that fear is immobilizing. I wish I had never learned that fear from them.

One thing I'm still afraid of is telling people what I think. I have some influences in my life who tend to bring me down. They depress, annoy, and disturb me. I feel defeated when I'm around them and that feeling doesn't go away easily. Something we do is throw someone's negativity on other people in order to get rid of it. Talk about vicious circles. It's a wonder the world isn't in shambles. Come to think of it, it isn't far from it. So, I may have to tell these negative people exactly what they're doing and how they're bringing me down. I may have to tell them I'm not going to be around them anymore if they don't change. It will hurt, but I desperately need change. I have lacked real positive influences for quite some time.

I'm enrolled in school this summer, but if someone told me to leave on a trip somewhere and could promise I'd be permanently changed for the better, I'd drop everything and go. I have two years of college left, totaling seven in all. After that I have 4 years of medical school. Other than this prolonged, self-imposed education I've planned out, I have nothing going for me. I have no love life. I have few friends. I have almost no social life. I have no mentor. I don't have much money, but I've got debt to counter any loose dollar I find. I have a fear-based barrier preventing me from falling in love and that prevents me from feeling attached to anyone.

I may sound pitiful, but I'm not looking for pity. I'm looking for change. This is the only life I've got and I've only got so many chances at getting it right. There are still beliefs and personality quirks I've got to work out, but I like to think I'm making an effort to live a full life.

Actually, forget the previous paragraph. It's garbage. I try so much to justify where I am in relation to my goals. I can't justify it. I can't blame my learning "difference", my circumstances, or anyone else. I only have myself to blame for my problems. If there's anything I should be angry about that hasn't totally been my doing it's that I have lacked the intellect to recognize what is happening and am just now trying to pull myself up out of this hole I've unintentionally dug for myself.

I remember feeling invincible as a little boy. I wanted to take on the world. Somewhere along the line I forgot that fear has no control over me but what I give it. I can't subject myself to the what-ifs if all they're going to do is prevent me from achieving success.

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.”
- Fulton Oursler

I'm no Christ figure, but many of us victimize ourselves this way and we don't even see what we're doing until we start to run out of time to fix it (if then). I'm going to do my best not to continue to place myself between the two thieves anymore. I hope you all find ways of overcoming your fears. If you don't, they will rob you of everything.

Don't let that happen.

Room to Breathe

The spring semester is over. I'm trying to avoid looking at my grades. This semester was really difficult. Right now I'd rather believe I did well because I did my best.

Anyway, it's nice to have a little room to breathe. I don't have to be in class or wake up by a certain time. I'm trying to be up reasonably early though. Sleeping the morning away makes me feel like I've wasted an entire day. I only work weekends right now and that's helpful. My weekdays are my own for a couple weeks. Summer school starts June 2nd and I've already enrolled in my phlebotomy course at Moore Norman. In August, I should be to say I've successfully completed six hours of college credit (5 of those with "A" as a grade) and a certification course. I can't begin to say how much I've needed a few successes in my life.

Along with my academic progress this summer, I've dedicated myself to exercising and lifting. It's time I got in shape. I owe it to myself to make that happen. The plan right now is to lift in the mornings and be active in the evenings.

Also, I've found a way to get help with my learning "difference" and am actively pursuing the help. I have to talk with a bunch of people about it and go through quite a few tests, but I'm facing the problem and working to overcome it.

So, I have some room to breathe but I'm using it to better myself. I'm not going to sit still and allow myself to under-perform. This is my time to shine and I intend to do so.

I'm still searching for quite a few things, but I won't get them without some personal growth. I need an adventure and since Norman doesn't have anything to offer in the area of adventures I've bought OU football season tickets. Take that, mediocrity!

Write me! I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Don't Get Married

I hear people talk about how they want a family and not to be alone. I don't have a family of my own, but I know what it's like to be alone. I don't mean to be spiteful, but the family I came from trained me to be alone. We (actually, it was one person) cut out an entire half of our family and we rarely see anyone from the other half, save my mother's sister and brother-in-law.

My parents have a tense relationship and I often feel that they would be happier divorced. They don't say words as hate-filled as their tones towards each other communicate. This is why I have lately felt that marriage may not happen for me. I mean, I used to think that I would one day have the perfect marriage by avoiding all the mistakes my parents made, but in my experience most of the miserable people I know are married. They're miserable, and to be quite honest, I'm miserable enough alone. Why burden myself with someone else's unhappiness when I know I won't feel any less lonely?

I have a theory that I believe to be accurate; a theory that devotion to another does not have to be sealed by something as trivial by today's standards as a marriage license. People are signing prenuptial agreements to keep from loosing their things when they get divorced. These days people are planning their divorces before they get married. What's the point in getting married then? The gays seem to be getting by just fine without it so why do the straight people in the world need it? There are no such things as devotion and commitment. I wonder if there ever were.

The church so readily gravitates toward the institution of marriage yet we only use marriage because those who lived at the time the Bible was written used it. You don't see people slaughtering their livestock in the streets or riding from town-to-town on asses these days. Things change. What good is a marriage license if it's so easy to end a marriage?

I think marriage should be gotten rid of altogether. It's a joke. If we're each totally devoted to someone and never want to be with anyone else, why would we need a marriage license? It wouldn't validate your love for that person any more than normal. How could a marriage license make that devotion any more real? It can't.

We should get rid of marriage.

Needs

The universe is boundless, yet we are not. Although I often joke about living forever, reality says otherwise. You and I one day will cease to exist as we are. Everyone has a belief to cling to. Some are still searching. The fact remains that we must make all that we can from each moment we have.

Much has happened in my life since starting out from my first days in college. The failures outnumber the successes by orders of magnitude, but we all experience failure. I'm still searching for ways to overcome them. I have hope that I will discover what it takes to make peace with my failures, learn from them, and move on to successes farther down the road.

My perception of the universe has expanded immensely from what I once knew it to be. In actuality, the universe has expanded while we have remained the same size. By the same model, when compared with the universe, we shrink smaller and smaller each second.

We forget the roles we are playing while pursuing the bigger, the better, the shiny, and the new. We are defined no longer by our actions, but by what we own. We buy that which we think paints portraits of the "individuals" we think we are, but we are really all the same. We are really all alone.

We want acceptance. No person ever goes through life fearing he or she will be accepted. The fear is that we won't be accepted. We are all the same in that we're all different. Why is that so difficult for most to accept? We waste no time placating each other for our differences yet we use our deceptively calming words to convert each other to our own causes. When did acceptance become an object we could buy and sell with our words? We want unequivocal acceptance, or at least I do.

We want to love and be loved. We see the potential for a connection with another and often prevent that connection out of fear for our vulnerability. We want not to be hurt yet we cannot live life without some pain. We want to be able to share our existences with others who truly care about the individuals each of us are. We want to know that whether or not we seem to have anything emotionally valuable to offer that we are loved and that we are wanted. We want to fall asleep knowing others love us. Each of us wants to share a bond more lasting than stone with another who feels the same. We want to be loved, or at least I do.

We want to be needed. Every person wants to know that his or her life has meant something to the grand story that the world continues to write. We want to know that we have a role - a purpose - and that the world can't exist as it is without us. We want vindication and validation. We want our lives to increase the short supply of beauty in the world. We want to be needed, or at least I do.

And in the final flickering moments when we are breathing our last exquisite breaths, we want to be remembered. We want not to be forgotten. We want this because there is no guarantee that we exist in another form after we die. No amount of "divine" books can guarantee that we pass on to another realm. We are human and it is in our nature to hope for this. We want to be remembered, or at least I do.

It is my greatest fear that I'll never be accepted, loved, needed, or even remembered. I wake up most mornings and wonder if my actions each day will make me worthy of these things. I have lived in full devotion to a deity that I now feel has forgotten me, so I must do all that is within my power to find these things I want - the things we all want.

I can't make you accept me, love me, need me, or remember me, but my heart breaks at the thought that I may never earn these things from you.

I have discovered in my search to find myself that my self is all alone. It's a desperate and terrifying feeling to have.

If you don't see me today, at least do for someone else what I hope will be done for me. It is the least we should be doing for each other.

I love you all.

Too Much

As far as I know, I'm pretty screwed up. Most people know that about me.
The thing is, I hate being told what to do. I have pride issues. I need more humility, but not so much that I become a pushover. I really need to figure out who I am.
So, when people tell me I have to figure out who I am before I'll have a chance to achieve what I'm in college for I disregard what they say and continue on, averagely.

I know that I don't fully understand who I am, but I am trying to. I find out new things about myself all the time. This is where my need for humility comes in. Not only do I hate being told what to do, but I hate getting help from others. I hate it when people pay for my meals or simply buy me things they think I would like. I don't want to be thought of as poor or inept. This completely contradicts my thinking on getting an education. My thoughts have been "Hey, I'm paying for it. I should get a good grade because this is what a good grade costs," or "They should understand I have an attention disorder and offer me extra help." See my contradiction?

The thing about the brand of freedom that Americans are offered is that they have to work orders of magnitude harder according to their disabilities or inequalities in order to get what they want. There are no free rides. I've always thought that the United States was the land of opportunity, but one's level of "opportunity" is determined by one's personal wealth. There's no wonder why poor families can't rise out of poverty. "Opportunity" is another word for how much money one has in the bank.

Now, I don't believe in luck. The whole concept of some mystical balance between success and failure that hands good fortune out to the deserving or takes it from the wicked is lost on me. Keep in mind the phrase "only the good die young." Although that is a generalization, it negates karma. If luck truly exists, then it exists as Seneca said it exists: "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." To me, opportunity will not come unless it has been prepared for. So, if I am to achieve this dream I have of being a doctor and prolonging lives, I'm going to have to face my fear of dangerous debt as well as my fear of failure. I'm going to have to find a way to pay for medications that will allow me to manage my "difference." I'm going to have to take risks. Risks scare the hell out of me, but they make success that much sweeter. In order to get what I want, I'm going to have to do things I don't want to do.

That's all for now.

I've been busy lately

My trip to Kansas was incredible. I never thought I would have enjoyed myself as much as I did. Lawrence is a gorgeous town. Downtown Lawrence puts Norman's Campus Corner to shame. While the people in Kansas are just as nice as those in Norman, Lawrence's atmosphere is more welcoming because it offers a small-town appeal. Norman is quickly becoming a corral for the big-box stores, the corporations, and the low-quality get-rich-quick stores. Instead of using Norman's natural appeal to draw respectable Mom and Pop businesses it has played the game of the corporations and sold off its identity. KU won their men's basketball game against Villanova while I was in The Granada at the Explosions in the Sky concert (which was incredible). When I walked out the door there was a sea of blue shirts celebrating the win. Total strangers joyfully clinked their drinks together while yelling at the tops of their lungs. Now, imagine OU had made it as far as KU did (KU ended up winning the National Championship). What would the scene have been in Norman? It would have been quiet, boring, and business as usual. Sooners don't have much school spirit outside of football. Any day besides football Saturdays is painfully mundane. This is supposed to be a college town. If anything like what happened in Lawrence had happened in Norman I can guarantee that "the law" would have shown up to disperse the crowd.

That's what happens in a state where it takes less training to be a police officer than it does to be a beautician (nearly 5x more training for a beautician - and not all beauticians are good at what they do). Chew on that.

Change of subject.
Last Friday I went to Tulsa to the OSU Center for Health Sciences where the OSU College of Osteopathic Medicine is located. The medical school there is small and everyone knows each other. That's the kind of medical school I want to go to. I have hope of getting in also. My options are narrowed down to two medical schools right now: OSU and Guadalajara. I may be offered the option of attending medical school somewhere else, but I will go there only if I can't get into my top two. I had an incredible day in Tulsa. The medical school is top-notch, yet hometown. It's a D.O. program, which means there are more areas of treatment offered to help patients. The approach is whole-body and focuses on fixing the problem rather than medicating the problem. I'm ready to go to medical school! Let's hope Oklahoma State takes me. If not, see you in Mexico!

This summer I'm enrolled in weight-lifting and Spanish as well as a certification course at MooreNorman Technology Center that will allow me to work closely with patients and hospital staff. Not only will it help prepare me for future interaction with people needing health care, but I will be building relationships with doctors who have gone through what I'm about to go through in medical school. It's funny, but I will have earned 185 college credit hours by the end of the Fall 2008 semester and still won't have what I need to graduate with my two degrees. All I can say is that I wouldn't have made it this far had I not learned to enjoy school so much.

That's all for now.

Short Adventure

I know I said I wouldn't be heard from for a while but I felt compelled to leave a note before leaving on my trip to Lawrence, KS to see the band Explosions in the Sky. If you don't know of them I suggest doing some research. I've fallen in love with their music.
Anyway, I had planned on taking a friend with me but things didn't turn out the way I had originally hoped.
No matter. I've decided to see how much I'll enjoy going somewhere on my own. I'm looking forward to it. Fuel may be expensive but I can handle it. It will be a 9-hour round-trip.

I've been listening to a lot of music lately. It helps me make better sense of the arguments I have about God in my head. No matter the differences I have with the people who falsely claim to really know God, I can't help but continue to search for Him and to do so without their coaching. It wouldn't matter if I had tangible proof that God did not exist. I will always want to believe he really is out there. I'll always have this sense that he is. I'll always look for him. He is in everything. And whether or not Jesus Christ truly was the Son of God will not change the beauty in his words or the spiritual poetry in what he taught. Regardless of the doubts I have and the renunciations I've made, the hateful thoughts and spiteful attitudes I've had toward the God and the Christ whose mouthes today's "Christians" so nonchalantly speak for, I cannot continue to pretend that there is no higher being. He's out there. He's in the room you're reading this in. He's in the cellular pathways I study. He's behind the evolution I firmly believe in. And even if Jesus was merely a thought put down on paper, I'd like to believe that God was behind that thought. It's a thought I can believe in. Because of that, I can say that I believe in Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry for the bad things I've done, but I don't regret them. I wouldn't know what I know if I hadn't made those mistakes. All evil is undone by good. Good things came from the bad things I've done.

I do not think of the Bible in literal terms. I take a loose metaphysical approach. Even then, I won't budge on the portions where Jesus speaks. I'm not going to proselytize and try to convert anyone. I had to find my belief on my own. The only thing I can do is encourage others to do a bit of soul-searching. Whether you come to the same conclusions I have makes no difference. No one can make you believe something.

It's nearly 2:00pm and I have a long drive ahead of me. Feel free to drop me a line. Being alone on the road is exciting, but daily loneliness is another thing altogether. I'll always have the need for someone to talk with. I'd like to have a brother or two. Someone to talk nonsense with, have a heated argument with, drink a beer with, play catch with, or just hang out with would be a welcome change for me.

Not Going to Be Easy

I've decided to go ahead and stick with school. Because of that decision I've got a lot of things to do. I've got to be advised, enroll, study my butt off, and WORK OUT. I have such a low amount of motivation when I don't work out. Anyway, I'm putting off until later what I should be doing now. I'm going to do well this semester. I may not know what's going on right now, but I will. My goal now isn't to pass with flying colors but to know what is going on and be able to tell others what I've learned and am supposed to have learned.

With that, I'm going to get to work. You may not hear from me for a while. I'll try to post messages as I find the time.

That's all!

"I Enjoyed That"

Driving home from my vacation I'm reminded that I have some important decisions to make soon. I could use a good friend with a good ear who is willing to call me on my crap and keep me from excusing everything away. My excuses are why I'm in the pickle I'm in, but now it's time I pickled the beast.

I'm caught between (1) finishing my college education (a mediocre performance so far) while earning a nursing assistant certification and then continuing to medical school in Guadalajara, Mexico - if they'll take me, (2) studying abroad for a semester or two, (3) taking time off to work and travel for a while, (4) transferring to another college, or (5) just disappearing for awhile until I can get my head on straight. Sometimes I feel like life is going by faster than I can learn to take advantage of it.

I don't feel overwhelmed at the moment . Even though my trip was only three days it was enough for me to relax and put things back into perspective. Roswell was kind of a dud, but Carlsbad Caverns was fascinating. Even though the caverns themselves were a gypsum-limestone reef at one point, the formations inside took hundreds of thousands of years to form once the reef was drained of its seawater. Persistence leads to beauty. It can take a long time before one's work is acknowledged and appreciated. I suppose I should take heed of the caverns and not feel so badly about taking so long to get my two degrees. The most important thing about pursuing a goal is enjoying the journey while working toward fulfilling the goal. The achievement of the goal is just a validation of the good times experienced along the way.

This is an exciting time in my life and I almost let that sense of optimism and hope slip away from me. I'd love to change the world, but without that positive spirit and ability to enjoy the ride there isn't much point to having a goal to achieve if in the end I can't look back on the good, hard work that was accomplished and think, "I enjoyed that."

In Transit

Well, I'm in the car with my family writing this. We're just now passing Groom, Texas on our way to New Mexico for a short getaway. This is the first time I've been outside the state in well over a year; the last time being on my mammal studies trip to Colima, Mexico. I have to say that getting out of Oklahoma is a bit of relief. As great a state as it is there's only so much I can take. Moderation is key.
Anyway, we always celebrate crossing the border by screaming "yee-haw" and laying on the horn. It's a tradition. It may seem ridiculous, but I don't care. There are some things about my family that I think are really cool.

Groom is nice... in the dark. I can't really tell much about it. It's got a water tower that leans worse than the Leaning Tower of Pisa and a massive white cross. I guess people who convert to Christianity because of that cross are well-Groomed. Go ahead and sigh exasperatingly.

The plans on this short trip are to spend the first day in Roswell, New Mexico, scouting for UFOs and trolling the small shoppes and museums. My brother Chris is the geek of the family so the first day really belongs to him. I'm going to enjoy it though. The second day we're going to Carlsbad Caverns. My parents thought that we'd go see the bats there, but I told them it's too cold for bats to be there. You never know though, I could be pleasantly surprised. I'm just ecstatic that I'm out of Oklahoma if only for a couple of days. The saying "there's no place like home" may be accurate, but it's both rhetorical and - in my case - irrelevant. I've experienced home. I know what it's like. But there's so much out there to see. I guess my reasoning in wanting to see all that I can is that there's no place like home.