Fear

I have to be at work in less than 6 hours but I can't fall asleep. As usual, my mind can't be still. My brain is running a perpetual race to nowhere. There are a lot of things I need to be open and transparent about. The thing I supposed I should confess is that I am afraid of everything. I'm afraid of success. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of being noticed. I'm afraid of having no legacy and never been remembered. In other words, I'm afraid of everything.
My biggest fear lately is that I'll be a nothing; an unremarkable, invisible, forgotten blip. I've allowed my negative inner monologue to be self-fulfilling. I sometimes think "If I don't work hard enough I'll never amount to anything." Then when I sit down to work my fear of failing sidetracks me and prevents me from getting any real work done. Even now I think my fear and anxiety about work tomorrow is preventing me from going to sleep. I'm seeing someone about these problems, but I'm not out of the woods.
I've always had fear problems. I've always allowed fear to rule me. I don't want to place the blame on anyone, but my parents are masters at being ruled by fear. The fear that rules them most is the fear of money. At my age, that fear is immobilizing. I wish I had never learned that fear from them.

One thing I'm still afraid of is telling people what I think. I have some influences in my life who tend to bring me down. They depress, annoy, and disturb me. I feel defeated when I'm around them and that feeling doesn't go away easily. Something we do is throw someone's negativity on other people in order to get rid of it. Talk about vicious circles. It's a wonder the world isn't in shambles. Come to think of it, it isn't far from it. So, I may have to tell these negative people exactly what they're doing and how they're bringing me down. I may have to tell them I'm not going to be around them anymore if they don't change. It will hurt, but I desperately need change. I have lacked real positive influences for quite some time.

I'm enrolled in school this summer, but if someone told me to leave on a trip somewhere and could promise I'd be permanently changed for the better, I'd drop everything and go. I have two years of college left, totaling seven in all. After that I have 4 years of medical school. Other than this prolonged, self-imposed education I've planned out, I have nothing going for me. I have no love life. I have few friends. I have almost no social life. I have no mentor. I don't have much money, but I've got debt to counter any loose dollar I find. I have a fear-based barrier preventing me from falling in love and that prevents me from feeling attached to anyone.

I may sound pitiful, but I'm not looking for pity. I'm looking for change. This is the only life I've got and I've only got so many chances at getting it right. There are still beliefs and personality quirks I've got to work out, but I like to think I'm making an effort to live a full life.

Actually, forget the previous paragraph. It's garbage. I try so much to justify where I am in relation to my goals. I can't justify it. I can't blame my learning "difference", my circumstances, or anyone else. I only have myself to blame for my problems. If there's anything I should be angry about that hasn't totally been my doing it's that I have lacked the intellect to recognize what is happening and am just now trying to pull myself up out of this hole I've unintentionally dug for myself.

I remember feeling invincible as a little boy. I wanted to take on the world. Somewhere along the line I forgot that fear has no control over me but what I give it. I can't subject myself to the what-ifs if all they're going to do is prevent me from achieving success.

“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.”
- Fulton Oursler

I'm no Christ figure, but many of us victimize ourselves this way and we don't even see what we're doing until we start to run out of time to fix it (if then). I'm going to do my best not to continue to place myself between the two thieves anymore. I hope you all find ways of overcoming your fears. If you don't, they will rob you of everything.

Don't let that happen.