Discard It

Five years ago today I graduated from high school. To some that may not seem like a long time, but it may help put things into perspective by saying more than one fifth of my life is wound up in those five short years.
It's funny to think how time won't go fast enough when we are younger. We impatiently float through our childhoods and say that once we get away we'll make something of ourselves. Some of us make it and some of us don't. Then there are those who still work at becoming something remarkable, yet fall far from the mark. I can identify with this last group. And now, time feels like it's flying by too quickly to allow me to catch up and fix my mistakes and - after this past semester - my failures. I can't give up because I'd be making waste of this time I've spent; time that I've used learning more about who I am than about what I am here to learn. I'm a work in progress, but I rarely feel like I'm making any progress in my work.
I'm aware that if things don't turn around soon I will have to admit defeat and start the long process of paying off my debt. I'm aware that if things don't turn around that I'll think of my time here as unproductive rather than taking pride in holding two degrees. I am aware of the potential for failure. I'm painfully aware of it all, but spending my time wallowing in regret won't get me anywhere. I'm aware. Now all I can do is prove to myself that I can overcome these failures. Doing so will only teach me more about myself.
I left high school knowing I was smart although I wasn't able to prove it. I'm in much the same boat today although my grade point average serves more as weight against my claim of intelligence than for it. So many people have said I may not be cut out to be a doctor, but they are not only calling my ability to make my dreams come true into question, they are allowing the made-up idea of fate to cloud their vision and belief that I can do it. I believe that outside of saying what someone's ultimate fate was, the only fate that exists is in the plans we make for ourselves and the random experiences we take part in along the way. Any person who says I can't make my dream come true can go to Hell. But sadly, I am the person with the longest history of questioning whether I can do it.
If I am to succeed I can no longer question my future success. To paraphrase a line from one of my favorite movies, I should spend a small amount of time embracing the sadness and regret of my failures and then discard them, never to pick them up again. I hope every person who reads this reprimands me if I am seen wallowing in self-pity or regret. I'm done with it. All it does is keep me from the full, successful, happy life I have planned and fated myself for.

Keep me in your thoughts.

"You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery: enjoy it, embrace it, discard it... and proceed."
- Kirsten Dunst as Claire Colburn in the movie Elizabethtown.