Too Much

As far as I know, I'm pretty screwed up. Most people know that about me.
The thing is, I hate being told what to do. I have pride issues. I need more humility, but not so much that I become a pushover. I really need to figure out who I am.
So, when people tell me I have to figure out who I am before I'll have a chance to achieve what I'm in college for I disregard what they say and continue on, averagely.

I know that I don't fully understand who I am, but I am trying to. I find out new things about myself all the time. This is where my need for humility comes in. Not only do I hate being told what to do, but I hate getting help from others. I hate it when people pay for my meals or simply buy me things they think I would like. I don't want to be thought of as poor or inept. This completely contradicts my thinking on getting an education. My thoughts have been "Hey, I'm paying for it. I should get a good grade because this is what a good grade costs," or "They should understand I have an attention disorder and offer me extra help." See my contradiction?

The thing about the brand of freedom that Americans are offered is that they have to work orders of magnitude harder according to their disabilities or inequalities in order to get what they want. There are no free rides. I've always thought that the United States was the land of opportunity, but one's level of "opportunity" is determined by one's personal wealth. There's no wonder why poor families can't rise out of poverty. "Opportunity" is another word for how much money one has in the bank.

Now, I don't believe in luck. The whole concept of some mystical balance between success and failure that hands good fortune out to the deserving or takes it from the wicked is lost on me. Keep in mind the phrase "only the good die young." Although that is a generalization, it negates karma. If luck truly exists, then it exists as Seneca said it exists: "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity." To me, opportunity will not come unless it has been prepared for. So, if I am to achieve this dream I have of being a doctor and prolonging lives, I'm going to have to face my fear of dangerous debt as well as my fear of failure. I'm going to have to find a way to pay for medications that will allow me to manage my "difference." I'm going to have to take risks. Risks scare the hell out of me, but they make success that much sweeter. In order to get what I want, I'm going to have to do things I don't want to do.

That's all for now.