Needs

The universe is boundless, yet we are not. Although I often joke about living forever, reality says otherwise. You and I one day will cease to exist as we are. Everyone has a belief to cling to. Some are still searching. The fact remains that we must make all that we can from each moment we have.

Much has happened in my life since starting out from my first days in college. The failures outnumber the successes by orders of magnitude, but we all experience failure. I'm still searching for ways to overcome them. I have hope that I will discover what it takes to make peace with my failures, learn from them, and move on to successes farther down the road.

My perception of the universe has expanded immensely from what I once knew it to be. In actuality, the universe has expanded while we have remained the same size. By the same model, when compared with the universe, we shrink smaller and smaller each second.

We forget the roles we are playing while pursuing the bigger, the better, the shiny, and the new. We are defined no longer by our actions, but by what we own. We buy that which we think paints portraits of the "individuals" we think we are, but we are really all the same. We are really all alone.

We want acceptance. No person ever goes through life fearing he or she will be accepted. The fear is that we won't be accepted. We are all the same in that we're all different. Why is that so difficult for most to accept? We waste no time placating each other for our differences yet we use our deceptively calming words to convert each other to our own causes. When did acceptance become an object we could buy and sell with our words? We want unequivocal acceptance, or at least I do.

We want to love and be loved. We see the potential for a connection with another and often prevent that connection out of fear for our vulnerability. We want not to be hurt yet we cannot live life without some pain. We want to be able to share our existences with others who truly care about the individuals each of us are. We want to know that whether or not we seem to have anything emotionally valuable to offer that we are loved and that we are wanted. We want to fall asleep knowing others love us. Each of us wants to share a bond more lasting than stone with another who feels the same. We want to be loved, or at least I do.

We want to be needed. Every person wants to know that his or her life has meant something to the grand story that the world continues to write. We want to know that we have a role - a purpose - and that the world can't exist as it is without us. We want vindication and validation. We want our lives to increase the short supply of beauty in the world. We want to be needed, or at least I do.

And in the final flickering moments when we are breathing our last exquisite breaths, we want to be remembered. We want not to be forgotten. We want this because there is no guarantee that we exist in another form after we die. No amount of "divine" books can guarantee that we pass on to another realm. We are human and it is in our nature to hope for this. We want to be remembered, or at least I do.

It is my greatest fear that I'll never be accepted, loved, needed, or even remembered. I wake up most mornings and wonder if my actions each day will make me worthy of these things. I have lived in full devotion to a deity that I now feel has forgotten me, so I must do all that is within my power to find these things I want - the things we all want.

I can't make you accept me, love me, need me, or remember me, but my heart breaks at the thought that I may never earn these things from you.

I have discovered in my search to find myself that my self is all alone. It's a desperate and terrifying feeling to have.

If you don't see me today, at least do for someone else what I hope will be done for me. It is the least we should be doing for each other.

I love you all.