I am writing this because I am angry. I hate being lied to. Most of my life has been encapsulated by this enormous cloud of spiritual thinking. I was raised in a Christian home and now I’ve begun to question whether any of this lifestyle called Christianity is based on a true story or a myth that some obscure, demoralized men used to govern people. I wanted so badly to believe what The Bible teaches, but I know that what I learned has been contradicted and refuted. It’s all taking up space in my head that I know I could put to better use. It sounds like I’ve already decided what to believe, doesn’t it?
In John 16:23 (NIV), Jesus says, “I tell you the truth, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.” Well, I’ve asked for very few things in Jesus’ name, but those that I’ve asked for were very important to me. I wish I was able to tell everyone that the things I prayed for were given to me, but they weren’t. I prayed and prayed for things that were holy and righteous according to the Bible. I prayed for family harmony, personal growth in God, Christ-serving friendships, and the ability to overcome the many obstacles a college student faces. Did I receive any of these things even though I prayed for years to receive them? Sadly, the answer is no. I didn’t pray for much, but what I prayed for wasn’t given to me. All I can say is that I was lied to.
Many people have told me that I didn’t pray hard enough, believe enough, or have enough faith. Some said I asked too much from God as if telling me that didn’t solidify in my own mind how shallow their faiths were. I was the image of what a Christian should be. I went to church believing I’d hear from God. I worshipped privately at home and openly at church with my hand in the air believing that God would reach down from his throne and touch me. I prayed and read my Bible every morning believing that I would hear from God and learn something of importance from the Word. I led and participated in Bible studies because fellowship is important to the Christian lifestyle, according to Matthew 18:20. I gave my things away because giving was supposed to lead to receiving. I wasn’t expecting to receive material things; just those that I asked for in Jesus’ name. They weren’t given to me.
So, if God really is the master and owner of everything in the universe, why with all that he possesses wouldn’t he give me what I asked for when it was promised to me in John 16:23? Either He is punishing me or he doesn’t exist in the first place. I’ve told people that God must be punishing me because I’ve held out for long periods of time patiently and prayerfully waiting to receive what I asked for in Christ’s name only to continue living without it. When they tell me that God doesn’t work that way I only have one choice: He doesn’t exist at all.
With all that’s in me I want to believe He exists, but with all the evidence against Him and the experiences I’ve had where nothing he promises me is received, well, I’m out of reasons to believe. If I can’t believe then all that I’ve worked for has been a waste. All the time I’ve spent pursuing a deity that is indifferent to my existence was fruitless and is lost time.
The amount of people I repelled and aggravated by “witnessing” to them depresses me. To think of how I could have cultivated real lasting friendships with them but chose instead to avoid them because they lived their lives differently sickens me. I could have been a better person without the Christian label if I had opened my eyes to the possibility that I was the delusional one and they were the ones with all the information that meant something. Yet, with all the things I’ve done in the name of Christ, the only one I truly regret is that I pushed people away out of ignorance to their circumstances and pretended I knew how to live their lives better than they did. I have never felt lonelier in my life. Human beings are social creatures and I believed that all I needed was God and I would never be lonely. I’m lonely not because I’ve given up on God, but because we are all alone. At least that’s something we’re all in together.
No comments:
Post a Comment