The Beauty in Life

Sometimes I have "sunset moments." Those are the moments where you see yourself in the light you hope someday to be standing in with the goals you hope to have achieved, the personal experiences you hope to have had, and the things you hope to have or have had. My sunset moments are jumbled now. Of course there's almost always a sunset in them, but the events aren't always the same. Sometimes I'm standing alone looking at the horizon. Sometimes I've got someone with me. Sometimes there's a woman in my arms. Sometimes I'm in a valley between mountains. Sometimes I'm standing at the edge of the river. Sometimes I'm even standing at the edge of a cliff. The thing is, I tend to think that my sunset moment would always be the same if I knew what I want out of life. I don't really know what I want. I'm 23 years old and I haven't chronicled any personal adventures of report. I haven't experienced falling in love nor have I lost anyone close to me. I haven't even graduated college. I haven't traveled the world (much) nor have I decided if my career goal is without a doubt the one thing I want to do. I have so many talents that aren't being utilized. I have so much intelligence that isn't being tapped into. I've got everything and nothing going for me. I'm unsatisfied. My sunset moment isn't as satisfying as it used to be. My life is fairly unremarkable. It's flat-lined, familiar, and vanilla. I sensationalize things in an effort to make my life more interesting to myself, but in reality my life is boring.

More than anything I want to be free from a past of mediocrity. I don't know that I want to be the person I always wanted to be. They say that good parents give you wings to fly and roots to keep you grounded. I don't want roots. My family gave up its roots almost a decade ago anyway. Staying grounded is not my idea of a good time. I know the saying is a nice thought and I know what it really means, but morality and the abilities to use both restraint and common sense are not qualities bestowed by being grounded. They are qualities provided by education. They are also derived from fear.

The only thing that I really enjoy is writing. I like to write about my hopes and dreams, but I don't know where to get started when it comes to experiencing them. Lately, studying has been unproductive. I used to have well-intentioned, borderline-spiritual conversations with people. I don't have them anymore. My once large cluster of friends has broken apart and each person has gone somewhere to continue his or her life. They're off realizing their hopes while I'm still pining away, hoping.

It isn't as though I'm not working toward my goals. I'm just not happy with the way things are. I wasn't happy with the way things were. If you're thinking "I, I, I, I, I," you're right. I know it's not all about me. I know I should be happy for those that have left this place even if they left without me. It isn't that I'm not happy for them. I'm just jealous. I see all the things I could have achieved and know that my performance has been far from satisfactory, much less tolerable. I would love to have someone to go through life with - simply a friend, if nothing more; someone I could connect with emotionally who I have something in common with; someone who would try not to judge me and would forgive me for my mistakes; someone who would accept me not because I'm not perfect, but because I don't want to be; someone who genuinely wanted to spend time with me because it's a mutual feeling; someone who won't give up on me or use me. I once had a friend like that, but that person left me with those who neither understand me nor care to. I don't want to be pitied. I want positive, life-altering change. I just don't know where to find it. Believe me, I've played the religion and faith game (address previous post) and I never found satisfaction in it.

I don't know where to begin anymore. I'm not ready to give up and I'm tired of the same results giving up normally brings.

I want to experience the beauty in life. Life is in color. Why am I experiencing it in black and white?