Resolutions

1. I resolve to get in the shape I want to be in. To achieve this I must eat healthy foods, exercise daily, and go to the doctor in spite of my pride.

2. I resolve to read for pleasure more. To achieve this I must manage my time more efficiently.

3. I resolve to do excellently academically. To achieve this I must use all beneficial means necessary.

4. I resolve to gain fulfilling, well-paying employment. To achieve this I must finish a certification course.

5. I resolve to serve and volunteer. To achieve this I must make myself available to those who can use my services in a productive way.

6. I resolve to lead more than follow. To achieve this I must do what is necessary to earn the trust of those who have the authority to grant me positions of leadership. If none are granted to me I must create my own.

7. I resolve to act in spite of my insecurities. To achieve this I must scrape together the small bit of courage I have and throw caution to the wind.

8. I resolve to take the MCAT and do superbly on it. To prepare myself I must study past courses and improve my critical thinking skills.

9. I resolve to find a way to manage my inattentive adult ADHD.

10. Wanna ride bikes?

Trees

I have a confession, but I have no shame in divulging it. I confess that I am a tree hugger. I have always loved trees. There are many things about them that I find endearing. I love that trees are green. I love that they are so diverse. I love that they keep such good weather records with the width of each ring. I love that my parents and their parents planted trees and I can still go and touch a piece of history as well as a family legacy. I love that trees give off so much oxygen. I love that trees provide homes for animals. I even love trees because they provide homes for us. However, I love trees best for their strength and because that strength represents years of determination and experience. If there was any one thing that I would choose to represent me, it would be a tree.

Now, there was an ice storm this past weekend that destroyed many trees in Oklahoma. Norman is chock full of trees and I have found that those trees give this city a small-town feel. The university is known for its trees because David Ross Boyd, the university's first president, planted them all over campus in an effort to make students feel more at home. Campus is a beautiful place to be because of the trees, but due to the snow storm a great many of these trees have been irrevocably damaged - many even completely destroyed. So, at first sight, the university has become a very dismal place to be simply because of the destruction of natural growth and the rearrangement of scenery that took decades to become so beautiful.

When I was younger my mother would let me decorate our Christmas tree. After I would finish the tree she would often go and move a few ornaments or lights when she thought I wasn't looking. She would rearrange the lights so the branches wouldn't seem so constricted against the trunk. She would shuffle presents underneath the bows to make the tree more beautiful. I used to think she was being a perfectionist, but what I realized with the aftermath of the storm is that while these trees have been seemingly mutilated beyond recognition, Mother Nature has found and will continue to find ways to make them beautiful again. So, what I first saw as a major setback for the beauty of campus is really just a part of life. Nothing can be so steadfast and resolute as not to be broken, but growth will always exist and these things that fought so hard to grow tall and strong will find ways to stand tall and strong again. Some of their weak spots have been attacked, but for those that remain standing they will continue to ascend and improve themselves.

Here's to standing strong and determined.

That's all for now.

Thanks, USA!

I am an exceptional person. I don't mean to sound conceited. I'm just trying to point out that I don't think I'm average or mediocre in any way. I enjoy life, but the Man has me down.

My disappointment lies with my government. Due to government requirements and bureaucratic red tape, I am treated unequally from my peers and those who are pursuing the same career as I am. I have always had difficulty learning using the system high schools and universities implement. I always knew I had a more difficult time than most and until recently I didn't know that my problem was out of my control. I was diagnosed with Severe Inattentive Adult ADHD last month. My health insurance conveniently decided not to pay for the treatment of my learning disparity and because I was diagnosed while under this insurance plan other insurance companies will not provide compensation for treatment because I have "a pre-existing condition." Insurance through the university will not provide for it and Disability Services (although I don't consider myself disabled) will not give me student benefits unless I am treated. I can't afford $300+ per month of medication nor the $75 monthly fee from the doctor. So, because I can afford neither appropriate health insurance nor treatment, I am effectively being punished for a difference in learning styles . My government has failed me. If I was considered a person of color I would be given a special dispensation on my insurance and through the university. What happened to all men being created equal?

Boo-hoo for the middle class white boy, right? There's a serious problem with America. Equality exists only for those who have the money. I'm going to become a citizen of Mexico and then illegally immigrate back into the states because the US government will take better care of me as an illegal alien than as a tax-paying, law-abiding, voting citizen.

Thanks a lot, USA.

Stuck

I'm thankful for today. It's been a rough weekend. I would have done almost anything to be anywhere but here. The high point of my weekend occurred when I was sleeping. Isn't that how life goes? The thing we so desperately want to see appears and disappears when we aren't looking. Maybe my problem is that I'm looking too hard. Maybe I'm trying too hard. I think I might be trying so hard to live my life that I'm missing it completely. I miss a lot.

I miss close friends, driving my car, making music, reading for leisure, doing math problems, having adventures, my family, simplicity, working out, swimming, learning for fun, being a member of a group, snow, the ocean, mountains, the wilderness, my dog, surprises, peace, restful sleep, seeing my handiwork, and having an income. More than anything I miss the dream I once had of how my life would be.

I'm thankful for now. It's been a rough year. People cut loose and multiple moves have made it difficult to connect with others. Damaged trust and failed expectations don't help either. I value people less, emotionally. I know they are still valuable, precious, and rare, but I used to listen intently on what they had to say, good or bad. I used to be deeply involved in their lives. Now I've gotten in the habit of having conversations without actually having them. I phase out. I find a comfortable place in my head and hold onto it until the conversation is over. I'm insincere, guarded, and detached.

My friend told me that I need to be medicated. I'm glad I'm not. I'd just be a drone.

I'm never alone. Even when I'm by myself my past and future always keep me company. Like I said, I'm thankful for NOW - this moment. I can't worry about what I've done because I can't be those moments again. I can't worry about my future because I can't be those moments. All I can be is now and I'm not doing a very good job at being now. I love and hate myself. I am my own worst enemy.

That's all for NOW.

Nothing like it.

I'm sitting behind a little partition in the library on campus and thinking to myself about how much I hoped to have accomplished by this time in my life. I was supposed to have graduated by now. It sounds ridiculous. How often do our dreams that didn't come true keep us from dreaming again? My life is not what I thought it would be by now. It's not depression. It's a sort of hunger. I'm about to start the third month of my fifth year in college and instead of looking forward to leaving this place and finding a life of my own I'm looking at a sixth year before I can finally have the chance at attending medical school. I keep telling myself that medical school in Mexico or some other country would be both adventurous and fascinating, but I know that I'll have four years of school wherever I land and I want them to be an adventurous, unexpected four years. It's not a funk or a rut that I'm suffering from. Like I said, it's a hunger. I don't know exactly what will satisfy it, but I know that if I don't find a way to obtain it soon I'll drop everything and go searching for it. It's odd what we want and what we crave. There's a difference, I guess. My cravings are selfish and really only benefit myself. My wants are selfless and benefit everyone. I never have time to indulge in my cravings because my wants override the craving whatever part of me is trying to sooth.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

I think my heart - maybe even my soul - is reaching for something fresh. Like a man stranded in the desert, something inside me needs a drink of water, a taste of something life-giving and life-affirming. I live a very scheduled life and I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

Help.

That's all for now.

Flashback

Once again I was having trouble sleeping last night so I listened to some music and played some computer games while refusing to blink until my eyes watered. It sounds stupid, but it has a history of working. ;)

Anyway, while I was performing my ocular excercises, I had a flashback to my childhood. It was my 5th grade year when my family lived in Montana. I was sitting in class when I was called upon by my substitute teacher to answer a question. The substitute teacher went to my church and I knew him well. He had actually been the 5th grade teacher the year before, but had decided to retire and substitute teach when needed. I answered the question correctly when I was called upon, but instead of telling me I was correct he said, "Oh, what do you know? Your dad drives a truck," as if that was somehow a factor in my intelligence. Needless to say, I wrestled with his statement for about a minute trying to hold back tears before breaking down and crying in front of my entire class. Now, it wasn't that he called my intelligence into question that hurt so much. While it was true that my father did drive a truck, my substitute teacher had no idea how much I missed my dad. I vividly remember one of the girls in class turning around, seeing me struggling, and then calling the sub's attention to me. The substitute asked if he had hurt my feelings so I told him he had. I don't remember getting an apology. If I got one I would have remembered if it was sincere or not. I usually remember when I feel like people are being sincere. All I remember after that was how much I missed my dad and how much I hated my substitute for reminding me of it.

My dad is incredibly intelligent, but instead of pursuing an education he took a good-paying job that took him away from his family so we would be taken care of. My sub had no idea that I would have given almost anything to have my dad home every night to see us.

Anyway, when my real teacher came back a few days later he asked me why I gave my sub such a hard time and why I acted out so much in class. I hadn't though. My sub had told my teacher that I acted out in order to cover what he had said. Anyway, that is the only time I can remember being so affected by what someone else said. I learned then that it doesn't matter what people think or say about me. It's my perception of myself that truly matters.

Sorry for the sob story. I just needed to write that down. Someone will remember it for me when I'm gone.


Life is good, for those of you who were wondering. I'm doing well in school and am having a blast learning all this cool stuff. I would have done so much better in my previous classes if the focus had been more on how what I was learning was actually worth knowing. They don't do that at public universities though. The goal is to get my money.

My course at the tech center is more involved than I planned on it being. It's incredibly easy, but it's time consuming and there are quite a few hoops to jump through. I'll get it taken care of though. It's just a matter of time and appropriate planning.

I also e-mailed my professor about going to Mexico again over the winter break. If this semester is going to end up being as challenging as I think it will be, the trip to Mexico will be a reward well deserved.

I'm trying to volunteer at a few places as well as start a work-out regimen. I need to be in reasonably good shape when I hit the beach at Manzanillo.

That's all for now!

Progress

My uncle had a minor health problem recently that required surgery and few days in the hospital. His wife and my parents were there when I went to see him. This wasn’t a life-altering problem and knowing that helped us all not to be uptight or worried. It was just the five of us and we shot the breeze for several hours before saying our so-longs and farewells. Seeing my family makes me realize how much I love them. There aren’t sufficient words to describe the feeling I get when I’m with family and there isn’t any tension or fighting. We crack jokes and tell stories, gripe and complain about religion and politics, and simply enjoy each other’s company. I love my family.
I enrolled in a certification course at a technology center nearby. By the end of the course I’ll have hospitals asking me to work for them instead of it being the other way around. If anyone wants more information I’ll be glad to send it their way. Anyway, it’s a great opportunity and I’m looking forward to the end result.
This semester at OU is about as difficult as I expected it to be. I’m only enrolled in 14 hours, but each course is significantly challenging. To my credit, I planned it all this way. Each course has a great deal of overlap with all the other courses and that serves to my advantage because I’m learning much of the material in one class that I am learning in another. I don’t have to study as much since the courses dovetail so well.
I had my hair all cut off. After several people told me my chances of getting a job weren’t very good with long hair I decided to bid it adieu until I have the opportunity to grow it out again. There was a career counselor, however, who said I looked clean-cut even though my hair was 8 inches long and I hadn’t shaved in two weeks. I think she was being nice, don’t you think?
I’m setting aside several mornings and afternoons each week to work out. I weighed myself recently and let’s just say that the scale and mirror are disproportionate to the mental image and weight that I want. I’ve got the frame, but the canvas could use some restoration. I guess I should take advantage of the OU gym since I’m paying so many fees for it anyway. What’s that, you say? A $38.5 million swimming pool?
Anyway, I’ve done quite a bit yet not enough lately and I need to get caught up with my schoolwork and training. You may or may not hear from me soon, but I’ll do my best to leave notes as the opportunity arises.
That’s all for now.