I'm thankful for today. It's been a rough weekend. I would have done almost anything to be anywhere but here. The high point of my weekend occurred when I was sleeping. Isn't that how life goes? The thing we so desperately want to see appears and disappears when we aren't looking. Maybe my problem is that I'm looking too hard. Maybe I'm trying too hard. I think I might be trying so hard to live my life that I'm missing it completely. I miss a lot.
I miss close friends, driving my car, making music, reading for leisure, doing math problems, having adventures, my family, simplicity, working out, swimming, learning for fun, being a member of a group, snow, the ocean, mountains, the wilderness, my dog, surprises, peace, restful sleep, seeing my handiwork, and having an income. More than anything I miss the dream I once had of how my life would be.
I'm thankful for now. It's been a rough year. People cut loose and multiple moves have made it difficult to connect with others. Damaged trust and failed expectations don't help either. I value people less, emotionally. I know they are still valuable, precious, and rare, but I used to listen intently on what they had to say, good or bad. I used to be deeply involved in their lives. Now I've gotten in the habit of having conversations without actually having them. I phase out. I find a comfortable place in my head and hold onto it until the conversation is over. I'm insincere, guarded, and detached.
My friend told me that I need to be medicated. I'm glad I'm not. I'd just be a drone.
I'm never alone. Even when I'm by myself my past and future always keep me company. Like I said, I'm thankful for NOW - this moment. I can't worry about what I've done because I can't be those moments again. I can't worry about my future because I can't be those moments. All I can be is now and I'm not doing a very good job at being now. I love and hate myself. I am my own worst enemy.
That's all for NOW.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Nothing like it.
I'm sitting behind a little partition in the library on campus and thinking to myself about how much I hoped to have accomplished by this time in my life. I was supposed to have graduated by now. It sounds ridiculous. How often do our dreams that didn't come true keep us from dreaming again? My life is not what I thought it would be by now. It's not depression. It's a sort of hunger. I'm about to start the third month of my fifth year in college and instead of looking forward to leaving this place and finding a life of my own I'm looking at a sixth year before I can finally have the chance at attending medical school. I keep telling myself that medical school in Mexico or some other country would be both adventurous and fascinating, but I know that I'll have four years of school wherever I land and I want them to be an adventurous, unexpected four years. It's not a funk or a rut that I'm suffering from. Like I said, it's a hunger. I don't know exactly what will satisfy it, but I know that if I don't find a way to obtain it soon I'll drop everything and go searching for it. It's odd what we want and what we crave. There's a difference, I guess. My cravings are selfish and really only benefit myself. My wants are selfless and benefit everyone. I never have time to indulge in my cravings because my wants override the craving whatever part of me is trying to sooth.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I think my heart - maybe even my soul - is reaching for something fresh. Like a man stranded in the desert, something inside me needs a drink of water, a taste of something life-giving and life-affirming. I live a very scheduled life and I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.
Help.
That's all for now.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
I think my heart - maybe even my soul - is reaching for something fresh. Like a man stranded in the desert, something inside me needs a drink of water, a taste of something life-giving and life-affirming. I live a very scheduled life and I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.
Help.
That's all for now.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Flashback
Once again I was having trouble sleeping last night so I listened to some music and played some computer games while refusing to blink until my eyes watered. It sounds stupid, but it has a history of working. ;)
Anyway, while I was performing my ocular excercises, I had a flashback to my childhood. It was my 5th grade year when my family lived in Montana. I was sitting in class when I was called upon by my substitute teacher to answer a question. The substitute teacher went to my church and I knew him well. He had actually been the 5th grade teacher the year before, but had decided to retire and substitute teach when needed. I answered the question correctly when I was called upon, but instead of telling me I was correct he said, "Oh, what do you know? Your dad drives a truck," as if that was somehow a factor in my intelligence. Needless to say, I wrestled with his statement for about a minute trying to hold back tears before breaking down and crying in front of my entire class. Now, it wasn't that he called my intelligence into question that hurt so much. While it was true that my father did drive a truck, my substitute teacher had no idea how much I missed my dad. I vividly remember one of the girls in class turning around, seeing me struggling, and then calling the sub's attention to me. The substitute asked if he had hurt my feelings so I told him he had. I don't remember getting an apology. If I got one I would have remembered if it was sincere or not. I usually remember when I feel like people are being sincere. All I remember after that was how much I missed my dad and how much I hated my substitute for reminding me of it.
My dad is incredibly intelligent, but instead of pursuing an education he took a good-paying job that took him away from his family so we would be taken care of. My sub had no idea that I would have given almost anything to have my dad home every night to see us.
Anyway, when my real teacher came back a few days later he asked me why I gave my sub such a hard time and why I acted out so much in class. I hadn't though. My sub had told my teacher that I acted out in order to cover what he had said. Anyway, that is the only time I can remember being so affected by what someone else said. I learned then that it doesn't matter what people think or say about me. It's my perception of myself that truly matters.
Sorry for the sob story. I just needed to write that down. Someone will remember it for me when I'm gone.
Life is good, for those of you who were wondering. I'm doing well in school and am having a blast learning all this cool stuff. I would have done so much better in my previous classes if the focus had been more on how what I was learning was actually worth knowing. They don't do that at public universities though. The goal is to get my money.
My course at the tech center is more involved than I planned on it being. It's incredibly easy, but it's time consuming and there are quite a few hoops to jump through. I'll get it taken care of though. It's just a matter of time and appropriate planning.
I also e-mailed my professor about going to Mexico again over the winter break. If this semester is going to end up being as challenging as I think it will be, the trip to Mexico will be a reward well deserved.
I'm trying to volunteer at a few places as well as start a work-out regimen. I need to be in reasonably good shape when I hit the beach at Manzanillo.
That's all for now!
Anyway, while I was performing my ocular excercises, I had a flashback to my childhood. It was my 5th grade year when my family lived in Montana. I was sitting in class when I was called upon by my substitute teacher to answer a question. The substitute teacher went to my church and I knew him well. He had actually been the 5th grade teacher the year before, but had decided to retire and substitute teach when needed. I answered the question correctly when I was called upon, but instead of telling me I was correct he said, "Oh, what do you know? Your dad drives a truck," as if that was somehow a factor in my intelligence. Needless to say, I wrestled with his statement for about a minute trying to hold back tears before breaking down and crying in front of my entire class. Now, it wasn't that he called my intelligence into question that hurt so much. While it was true that my father did drive a truck, my substitute teacher had no idea how much I missed my dad. I vividly remember one of the girls in class turning around, seeing me struggling, and then calling the sub's attention to me. The substitute asked if he had hurt my feelings so I told him he had. I don't remember getting an apology. If I got one I would have remembered if it was sincere or not. I usually remember when I feel like people are being sincere. All I remember after that was how much I missed my dad and how much I hated my substitute for reminding me of it.
My dad is incredibly intelligent, but instead of pursuing an education he took a good-paying job that took him away from his family so we would be taken care of. My sub had no idea that I would have given almost anything to have my dad home every night to see us.
Anyway, when my real teacher came back a few days later he asked me why I gave my sub such a hard time and why I acted out so much in class. I hadn't though. My sub had told my teacher that I acted out in order to cover what he had said. Anyway, that is the only time I can remember being so affected by what someone else said. I learned then that it doesn't matter what people think or say about me. It's my perception of myself that truly matters.
Sorry for the sob story. I just needed to write that down. Someone will remember it for me when I'm gone.
Life is good, for those of you who were wondering. I'm doing well in school and am having a blast learning all this cool stuff. I would have done so much better in my previous classes if the focus had been more on how what I was learning was actually worth knowing. They don't do that at public universities though. The goal is to get my money.
My course at the tech center is more involved than I planned on it being. It's incredibly easy, but it's time consuming and there are quite a few hoops to jump through. I'll get it taken care of though. It's just a matter of time and appropriate planning.
I also e-mailed my professor about going to Mexico again over the winter break. If this semester is going to end up being as challenging as I think it will be, the trip to Mexico will be a reward well deserved.
I'm trying to volunteer at a few places as well as start a work-out regimen. I need to be in reasonably good shape when I hit the beach at Manzanillo.
That's all for now!
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Progress
My uncle had a minor health problem recently that required surgery and few days in the hospital. His wife and my parents were there when I went to see him. This wasn’t a life-altering problem and knowing that helped us all not to be uptight or worried. It was just the five of us and we shot the breeze for several hours before saying our so-longs and farewells. Seeing my family makes me realize how much I love them. There aren’t sufficient words to describe the feeling I get when I’m with family and there isn’t any tension or fighting. We crack jokes and tell stories, gripe and complain about religion and politics, and simply enjoy each other’s company. I love my family.
I enrolled in a certification course at a technology center nearby. By the end of the course I’ll have hospitals asking me to work for them instead of it being the other way around. If anyone wants more information I’ll be glad to send it their way. Anyway, it’s a great opportunity and I’m looking forward to the end result.
This semester at OU is about as difficult as I expected it to be. I’m only enrolled in 14 hours, but each course is significantly challenging. To my credit, I planned it all this way. Each course has a great deal of overlap with all the other courses and that serves to my advantage because I’m learning much of the material in one class that I am learning in another. I don’t have to study as much since the courses dovetail so well.
I had my hair all cut off. After several people told me my chances of getting a job weren’t very good with long hair I decided to bid it adieu until I have the opportunity to grow it out again. There was a career counselor, however, who said I looked clean-cut even though my hair was 8 inches long and I hadn’t shaved in two weeks. I think she was being nice, don’t you think?
I’m setting aside several mornings and afternoons each week to work out. I weighed myself recently and let’s just say that the scale and mirror are disproportionate to the mental image and weight that I want. I’ve got the frame, but the canvas could use some restoration. I guess I should take advantage of the OU gym since I’m paying so many fees for it anyway. What’s that, you say? A $38.5 million swimming pool?
Anyway, I’ve done quite a bit yet not enough lately and I need to get caught up with my schoolwork and training. You may or may not hear from me soon, but I’ll do my best to leave notes as the opportunity arises.
That’s all for now.
I enrolled in a certification course at a technology center nearby. By the end of the course I’ll have hospitals asking me to work for them instead of it being the other way around. If anyone wants more information I’ll be glad to send it their way. Anyway, it’s a great opportunity and I’m looking forward to the end result.
This semester at OU is about as difficult as I expected it to be. I’m only enrolled in 14 hours, but each course is significantly challenging. To my credit, I planned it all this way. Each course has a great deal of overlap with all the other courses and that serves to my advantage because I’m learning much of the material in one class that I am learning in another. I don’t have to study as much since the courses dovetail so well.
I had my hair all cut off. After several people told me my chances of getting a job weren’t very good with long hair I decided to bid it adieu until I have the opportunity to grow it out again. There was a career counselor, however, who said I looked clean-cut even though my hair was 8 inches long and I hadn’t shaved in two weeks. I think she was being nice, don’t you think?
I’m setting aside several mornings and afternoons each week to work out. I weighed myself recently and let’s just say that the scale and mirror are disproportionate to the mental image and weight that I want. I’ve got the frame, but the canvas could use some restoration. I guess I should take advantage of the OU gym since I’m paying so many fees for it anyway. What’s that, you say? A $38.5 million swimming pool?
Anyway, I’ve done quite a bit yet not enough lately and I need to get caught up with my schoolwork and training. You may or may not hear from me soon, but I’ll do my best to leave notes as the opportunity arises.
That’s all for now.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
GET PUMPED!
I'm pumped! I love all of my courses this semester. I'm thinking about taking a certification course at a tech center nearby. I think I'll wait a week or two before I enroll if I decide to do so. Anyway, I'm feeling great about the future. I've been much more optimistic than usual.
Life is beautiful. I must be in love with something. Maybe I'm in love with school, my career, someone, or something else. I don't know what it is. All I know is that music is sweeter, people seem warmer, the sky is clearer, and I am more confident than I've ever been. It's taken me a while to get it, but life is beautiful no matter the circumstances, the lack of money, the condition or appearance of your house or car, the amount of love you get, or how awful you might let yourself feel. Life is beautiful. Seeing the beauty makes the ugliness tolerable. To me, I have every chance at being successful. Success is not a series of actions, but an attitude.
Life is good. I'm working out the kinks and I have new perspective.
That's all for now.
Life is beautiful. I must be in love with something. Maybe I'm in love with school, my career, someone, or something else. I don't know what it is. All I know is that music is sweeter, people seem warmer, the sky is clearer, and I am more confident than I've ever been. It's taken me a while to get it, but life is beautiful no matter the circumstances, the lack of money, the condition or appearance of your house or car, the amount of love you get, or how awful you might let yourself feel. Life is beautiful. Seeing the beauty makes the ugliness tolerable. To me, I have every chance at being successful. Success is not a series of actions, but an attitude.
Life is good. I'm working out the kinks and I have new perspective.
That's all for now.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Full Circle
Organic Chemistry is over with and I’m a little nervous about my grade. The professor sent an e-mail to the students saying that he had our final grades tallied but that we would need to e-mail him requesting our grades. I had a B going into the final, but I’m nervous about my final grade because the final exam was so difficult. I shouldn’t worry, but I can’t help it.
No worries. If my goal is to lead an interesting, successful, and fulfilling life I can’t live in fear, can I? My birthday is a week from this Saturday and I can’t believe I’m going to be 23 years old. Time is going by so quickly and I always feel like I don’t have much to show for it. I know that will change when I finally graduate, but graduation is an uncertain date far in the future.
I read an entry I posted one year ago today and can’t help but question what happened to the person who wrote it. I’ve changed so much since that day and yet I’m still the same person. Just as I was doing last year I’m thinking about the future, searching for a job, stewing over taking the MCAT, and looking forward to a challenging semester. Anyone can see that I have reason for feeling like I’ve accomplished nothing this past year. I still have so much to accomplish and I think I’m finally ready to achieve the goals I’ve clung to for so long.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Oh Lady
So, I was sitting in class today and the professor put our grades on the overhead projector. Somehow I have a B in Organic Chemistry II. I'm amazed. It's possible to get an A if I do well on the final. Sweet action.
Anyway, the fall semester doesn't start for another three weeks, but I'm already feeling the pinch. The total at OU for textbooks is $761.70. The total would be $826.43 with tax. Ouch. I'm going to www.campusbooks.com to get a listing of the lowest prices on the internet for each book. The total I'll pay online is about $316.57 or $343.67 with tax (if included). Even so, does anyone have a rich uncle? Know any loan sharks?
I think the price of textbooks is ridiculous. Publishing companies are committing highway robbery. I can't believe there hasn't been a wave of outrage and opposition against these prices. Even at half the price, the cost is ridiculous.
Now, with the cost of books, tuition, fees, rent, utilities, food, clothing, gasoline, and other bills, I need a job more than ever. If you've got any good ideas or know of any high-paying jobs out there LET ME KNOW!
Gotta get some work done.
That's all for now.
Anyway, the fall semester doesn't start for another three weeks, but I'm already feeling the pinch. The total at OU for textbooks is $761.70. The total would be $826.43 with tax. Ouch. I'm going to www.campusbooks.com to get a listing of the lowest prices on the internet for each book. The total I'll pay online is about $316.57 or $343.67 with tax (if included). Even so, does anyone have a rich uncle? Know any loan sharks?
I think the price of textbooks is ridiculous. Publishing companies are committing highway robbery. I can't believe there hasn't been a wave of outrage and opposition against these prices. Even at half the price, the cost is ridiculous.
Now, with the cost of books, tuition, fees, rent, utilities, food, clothing, gasoline, and other bills, I need a job more than ever. If you've got any good ideas or know of any high-paying jobs out there LET ME KNOW!
Gotta get some work done.
That's all for now.
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