Searching

The happiness we plan on achieving never finds us. Once we find what we want we're never happy. When we achieve our goals we want more. Sometimes right before we're about to achieve that which we've fought so hard for we realize we don't want it anymore. That's how life works. People say "If only I had ____, I'd be happy." The fact is, people don't really know what they want until they're about to lose it or they finally do. People want more but they want a guarantee that they won't lose what they've got. I'm slowly coming to terms with the way things really work. You never really get what you want without having to sacrifice something else. That's why those who have everything they can buy are so unhappy. They have everything but the intangible things that really will bring them happiness. The universe has a way of working itself out. It has its own system of checks and balances. Most people know it, but they haven't realized it yet.

That's all for now.

Coffee!

Ok. My #1 New Year's resolution has not yet been started. Notice the time I'm posting this. I haven't gone to bed yet. I went to IHOP to get a midnight snack and study. My "snack" became an omelette and 19 cups of coffee. I got some studying in though. I even planned the next day out (the one I'm probably going to sleep through most of). Anyway, the caffeine doesn't make me more alert. Instead, it keeps me from sleeping because it's a diuretic and, well, we all know what diuretics do (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Diuretic).

Regardless of how badly things went this past semester I am ready to make some groundbreaking changes. I'm absolutely serious about my resolutions and I'm actively pursuing each and every one of them. As for my terrible sleep schedule and unreasonable coffee intake I have no excuse. They must be improved. In an ideal world I would be in bed by 11pm and be up by 7am. So far I'm 7 hours late. As long I get about 7 or 8 hours of sleep I'll be fine. I just want to be able to function well enough to achieve my goals and fulfill my resolutions. Anyway, I'd better run. My kidneys are working overtime. ;-)

That's all for now!

Resolutions

1. I resolve to get in the shape I want to be in. To achieve this I must eat healthy foods, exercise daily, and go to the doctor in spite of my pride.

2. I resolve to read for pleasure more. To achieve this I must manage my time more efficiently.

3. I resolve to do excellently academically. To achieve this I must use all beneficial means necessary.

4. I resolve to gain fulfilling, well-paying employment. To achieve this I must finish a certification course.

5. I resolve to serve and volunteer. To achieve this I must make myself available to those who can use my services in a productive way.

6. I resolve to lead more than follow. To achieve this I must do what is necessary to earn the trust of those who have the authority to grant me positions of leadership. If none are granted to me I must create my own.

7. I resolve to act in spite of my insecurities. To achieve this I must scrape together the small bit of courage I have and throw caution to the wind.

8. I resolve to take the MCAT and do superbly on it. To prepare myself I must study past courses and improve my critical thinking skills.

9. I resolve to find a way to manage my inattentive adult ADHD.

10. Wanna ride bikes?

Trees

I have a confession, but I have no shame in divulging it. I confess that I am a tree hugger. I have always loved trees. There are many things about them that I find endearing. I love that trees are green. I love that they are so diverse. I love that they keep such good weather records with the width of each ring. I love that my parents and their parents planted trees and I can still go and touch a piece of history as well as a family legacy. I love that trees give off so much oxygen. I love that trees provide homes for animals. I even love trees because they provide homes for us. However, I love trees best for their strength and because that strength represents years of determination and experience. If there was any one thing that I would choose to represent me, it would be a tree.

Now, there was an ice storm this past weekend that destroyed many trees in Oklahoma. Norman is chock full of trees and I have found that those trees give this city a small-town feel. The university is known for its trees because David Ross Boyd, the university's first president, planted them all over campus in an effort to make students feel more at home. Campus is a beautiful place to be because of the trees, but due to the snow storm a great many of these trees have been irrevocably damaged - many even completely destroyed. So, at first sight, the university has become a very dismal place to be simply because of the destruction of natural growth and the rearrangement of scenery that took decades to become so beautiful.

When I was younger my mother would let me decorate our Christmas tree. After I would finish the tree she would often go and move a few ornaments or lights when she thought I wasn't looking. She would rearrange the lights so the branches wouldn't seem so constricted against the trunk. She would shuffle presents underneath the bows to make the tree more beautiful. I used to think she was being a perfectionist, but what I realized with the aftermath of the storm is that while these trees have been seemingly mutilated beyond recognition, Mother Nature has found and will continue to find ways to make them beautiful again. So, what I first saw as a major setback for the beauty of campus is really just a part of life. Nothing can be so steadfast and resolute as not to be broken, but growth will always exist and these things that fought so hard to grow tall and strong will find ways to stand tall and strong again. Some of their weak spots have been attacked, but for those that remain standing they will continue to ascend and improve themselves.

Here's to standing strong and determined.

That's all for now.

Thanks, USA!

I am an exceptional person. I don't mean to sound conceited. I'm just trying to point out that I don't think I'm average or mediocre in any way. I enjoy life, but the Man has me down.

My disappointment lies with my government. Due to government requirements and bureaucratic red tape, I am treated unequally from my peers and those who are pursuing the same career as I am. I have always had difficulty learning using the system high schools and universities implement. I always knew I had a more difficult time than most and until recently I didn't know that my problem was out of my control. I was diagnosed with Severe Inattentive Adult ADHD last month. My health insurance conveniently decided not to pay for the treatment of my learning disparity and because I was diagnosed while under this insurance plan other insurance companies will not provide compensation for treatment because I have "a pre-existing condition." Insurance through the university will not provide for it and Disability Services (although I don't consider myself disabled) will not give me student benefits unless I am treated. I can't afford $300+ per month of medication nor the $75 monthly fee from the doctor. So, because I can afford neither appropriate health insurance nor treatment, I am effectively being punished for a difference in learning styles . My government has failed me. If I was considered a person of color I would be given a special dispensation on my insurance and through the university. What happened to all men being created equal?

Boo-hoo for the middle class white boy, right? There's a serious problem with America. Equality exists only for those who have the money. I'm going to become a citizen of Mexico and then illegally immigrate back into the states because the US government will take better care of me as an illegal alien than as a tax-paying, law-abiding, voting citizen.

Thanks a lot, USA.

Stuck

I'm thankful for today. It's been a rough weekend. I would have done almost anything to be anywhere but here. The high point of my weekend occurred when I was sleeping. Isn't that how life goes? The thing we so desperately want to see appears and disappears when we aren't looking. Maybe my problem is that I'm looking too hard. Maybe I'm trying too hard. I think I might be trying so hard to live my life that I'm missing it completely. I miss a lot.

I miss close friends, driving my car, making music, reading for leisure, doing math problems, having adventures, my family, simplicity, working out, swimming, learning for fun, being a member of a group, snow, the ocean, mountains, the wilderness, my dog, surprises, peace, restful sleep, seeing my handiwork, and having an income. More than anything I miss the dream I once had of how my life would be.

I'm thankful for now. It's been a rough year. People cut loose and multiple moves have made it difficult to connect with others. Damaged trust and failed expectations don't help either. I value people less, emotionally. I know they are still valuable, precious, and rare, but I used to listen intently on what they had to say, good or bad. I used to be deeply involved in their lives. Now I've gotten in the habit of having conversations without actually having them. I phase out. I find a comfortable place in my head and hold onto it until the conversation is over. I'm insincere, guarded, and detached.

My friend told me that I need to be medicated. I'm glad I'm not. I'd just be a drone.

I'm never alone. Even when I'm by myself my past and future always keep me company. Like I said, I'm thankful for NOW - this moment. I can't worry about what I've done because I can't be those moments again. I can't worry about my future because I can't be those moments. All I can be is now and I'm not doing a very good job at being now. I love and hate myself. I am my own worst enemy.

That's all for NOW.

Nothing like it.

I'm sitting behind a little partition in the library on campus and thinking to myself about how much I hoped to have accomplished by this time in my life. I was supposed to have graduated by now. It sounds ridiculous. How often do our dreams that didn't come true keep us from dreaming again? My life is not what I thought it would be by now. It's not depression. It's a sort of hunger. I'm about to start the third month of my fifth year in college and instead of looking forward to leaving this place and finding a life of my own I'm looking at a sixth year before I can finally have the chance at attending medical school. I keep telling myself that medical school in Mexico or some other country would be both adventurous and fascinating, but I know that I'll have four years of school wherever I land and I want them to be an adventurous, unexpected four years. It's not a funk or a rut that I'm suffering from. Like I said, it's a hunger. I don't know exactly what will satisfy it, but I know that if I don't find a way to obtain it soon I'll drop everything and go searching for it. It's odd what we want and what we crave. There's a difference, I guess. My cravings are selfish and really only benefit myself. My wants are selfless and benefit everyone. I never have time to indulge in my cravings because my wants override the craving whatever part of me is trying to sooth.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?

I think my heart - maybe even my soul - is reaching for something fresh. Like a man stranded in the desert, something inside me needs a drink of water, a taste of something life-giving and life-affirming. I live a very scheduled life and I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere.

Help.

That's all for now.