Failure

I can’t understand why we program ourselves to fail. It’s like we need to fail in order to have an excuse for not trying the next time an opportunity arises. Why do we do this? There are plenty of opportunities to succeed, but we pass them up because we think they won’t be very helpful to us. Somewhere along the line I’ve allowed myself to get complacent with the idea that I could never be anything but a C student. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I’m immensely intelligent, but I’ve allowed myself to settle for less. I don’t know how I’ve let myself do it either. I hate losing. You’d think I would have found a way out of this rut by now. I’m not used to winning, so when I actually do I’m very graceful about it. I know I’m not that kind of person. I mean, I like to think I’m reasonably humble, all things considered. I don’t know why I allow myself to feel so defeated sometimes.
It angers me to think about how much we would rather live average lives than fight for success. Maybe it’s just me, but this is something I’m disgusted with. I think far too deeply to figure out how to dig myself out of this hole, so I’m just going to have to tell myself that I won’t settle anymore. I don’t know what frame of mind to have other than one of anger to conquer this sickening cycle of self-sabotage.
I’ve made quite a few mistakes in my life, but I’ve allowed trivial matters to destroy my hope for better things. I’ve allowed myself to think that I’ll never get a job in Norman because I’ve been shot down so many times before. What I neglect to tell myself is that I have had two jobs in Norman and that I just need to fight harder for the next one – the one that will give my career the jumpstart it needs.
I saw a really uplifting movie recently, but the only reason the main character won was because his family came and did most of the work for him. Yes, my family is helping support me financially, but my success if dependent only on myself. If I don’t do what’s necessary to meet my goals no amount of help from my family will save me. Honestly, I feel that getting a good-paying job will afford me more independence and responsibility because I’ll be paying for my living expenses as well as my tuition and fees. Also, I’ll have a way to say “I earned that,” and, “I made that.” The balance in my check register will show the fruits of my hard work. That, in turn, will boost my self-confidence.
Anyway, money is not what I’m trying to talk about. I’m trying to talk about avoiding failure. I know failure is inevitable, but it isn’t the be-all end-all of life. We get back up and try again. As much as I argue that I’ve done my best, I haven’t. I’m so much better than a C student. I’m equipped to do well, I just misuse what I’ve got.
I used to keep a schedule of things I needed to do, but I ended up ambitiously adding so much to the list that I didn’t get any of it done. I’m not asking for help. I’m just going to try something new and look back several weeks from now and see what’s changed. Keep up with me and I’ll let you know how things go.
That’s all for now.
Deuces.