BLAH!

Ok, it's 6:15am, I've gotten just over 1 1/2 hours of sleep, and my exam is looming. I'm in the middle of the stampede and I've got rocks in my shoes. I don't know what to do, really. I'm devoid of sleep and any comprehension of organic chemistry now. I'm just ready for it to be over with again. I don't like this feeling. I'd like to do so well in a course that I don't want it to end. I don't have many academic victories. I'm going to believe that I will from now on. This course required far too much work for being only 4 weeks long. Like I said, I may not know what I'm doing, but I'm ready for this to all be over with. BLAH! I'm going to believe I'll do well until I see that I see otherwise. I may be back later.

Same ol', same ol'

Again, nothing much to say today. Just getting ready to study after I have a bite to eat and possibly a nap. The stampede is here. Some of these suckers had their horns sharpened. No matter. I’m far enough ahead that I can steer clear of those pointy unfavorablenesses.

Busy, busy

Nothing much to say today. Just doing homework and getting caught up. Things are getting better. The second stampede is almost here but I'm lacing up my running shoes and stretching. A few warm-up laps and I'll be good. Look for me. I'll be the guy zooming past all the slower folks. :-)

What's Wrong With Rain?

It's raining today. The weatherman on KRXO said that it is supposed to rain for the rest of the week. I love it. I've always loved rain, but I don't know why. I just love the rain. It gives me the same feeling I get after a good shower: clean and refreshed.

I just learned that there's going to be a negative curve on my organic chemistry final, but somehow I'm more content that it's raining than worried about my grade. Everyone here is in their own little world. There aren't many people on campus and that makes things a little less stressful than they are during the regular semesters. It's peaceful here.

Norman doesn't see much peace. It operates more like an ant colony. Everyone is on a mission and they don't really care what anyone else is doing. That's the thing about this place. Outside of Norman, the state operates at a slower pace. People work and go home to their families. They don't eat as much fast food. They befriend their coworkers and even go to church with some of them. In Norman, people run from place to place and you'll be hard-pressed to even get a nod of acknowledgement in passing. Don't get me wrong. Norman is nice, but I don't want to be here much longer. I'm giving the place about two more years of my life and then I'm off to another adventure.

Hopefully that new adventure will be medical school, but if that doesn't pan out I'll be a nomad for a while. I want so much to be a doctor, but with my grades as they are and the fact that I'm starting to burn out, I don't know how much longer I'll be able to last. My grades aren't poor, but they're average. I hate being average. Who wants an average doctor? I feel like this course is going to eat me alive. I've gained some weight in the past four weeks. I don't sleep well and that affects my study habits and my ability to concentrate in class. I haven't made time to work out and that makes me feel worse. I love excercise, but I've obsessed more about this course than my health. I feel like I've been trampled in a stampede and left for dead. I guess I could just lay here for a while, but I'm choosing to get back up because I hear the rumbling from a second stampede right behind me. I missed my chance at leading the first running, but maybe I'll get my chance in the second one.

It's still raining. It's funny to see those who left their umbrellas at home running on the sidewalks and crosswalks here. They act like getting wet will kill them; like it will somehow ruin their day. Those with umbrellas cling to them as they would life-preservers and make sure that their strides aren't too long so that the water dripping from their umbrellas won't get on their ankles. People are funny. Why don't they want to get wet? It's not like they won't dry. Even seals come up out of the water to see what the air is like. Why are we so afraid of getting wet? We've become a culture of comfort. Is getting wet really so uncomfortable?

Anyway, I can see the dust from that second stampede on the horizon and I know I'd better be prepared to lead it. That's all for today.

Luck? I don't think so.

So, I have a make-or-break exam tonight but I thought of something I wanted to write down first. I know I should be studying but writing things down gives a cohesiveness to my already fragmented life. I'm just trying to put all the pieces back together.

I just spoke with some people about the exam we're about to take and I found myself saying "Good luck" to them like I actually put faith or weight in luck. I meant well, but I don't believe in luck. It'll take much more proof of its existence for me to do that. So, I questioned myself about my well-wishing because I don't believe in the thing I wished they would have. Does this make sense?
The stress of getting an education can make you lose yourself when all you're trying to do is find yourself. School has made me feel like I have no idea who I am. At the same time, I've never been more sure of who I am and am becoming. What college has done is make me realize that no one really knows who they are at first. You don't find many people who understand who they are and that's sad. There are the folks who say they're here because God sent them or that their energies led them to where they are. What they're really saying is, "I don't know who I am," and, "I don't know what my purpose is," or even, "I would rather identify myself with something convenient than allow myself to be vulnerable and let someone know who I really am and what I stand for." Yep, that's what they're saying. Then again, there are the people who say they know who they are and what they stand for, but they won't tell you why. So many of the people we see today are living the lives their parents, teachers, or advisors planned out for them. Why aren't people in command of who they are?

I'm thinking about this because I thought I was in command of what I believed, but what I did was give the false impression that I believe that luck exists. It isn't about believing in luck. It's about my actions regardless of what I believe in. I often do what everyone else does and muddle my own ethic. I like the word "ethic". I think I might start using it more. I'm trying to adapt my ethic into what I truly believe and stand for. I've had more self-discovery in the last year than I can shake a stick at (what does that mean?), but my actions haven't exactly mirrored my inner change. I've changed my schedule, my living arrangements (twice), my excercise habits, my eating habits, my sleeping habits, how much I trust people, how much I dislike people, and how much I really love people. I've adapted it all into a Quality vs Quantity equation.

HA! Just now someone came up to me and wished me luck on the exam. I said "Same to you," and then corrected myself and told her that I didn't believe in luck, so I said, "Godspeed." I won't deny my belief in God. I won't deny my belief in Christ and his teachings. At the same time, I won't deny that I'm looking for something more fulfilling in my life than the pursuit of Christianity as it is falsely practiced today.

Back to the Quality vs. Quantity thing:
What I was trying to say is that I compare everything now with what it used to be. I compare my love of one person to another. I compare my habits with how they used to be. I compare everything and then weight out how much those things need to increase or decrease depending on how much they benefit me. It sounds absolutely selfish, but in the end I'm giving more of myself than I would have if I wasn't keeping track. I may not make any sense right now, but I know that I'm contributing to the improvement of others' lives as well as mine. Funnel this all down into a single phrase and this is what you'll get: You get what you give.

It's karma. What you do for good or evil determines what you will experience later in life. I looked up the definition of karma and it basically says that karma is fate or destiny. I've said that fate and destiny don't exist, but what I'm really saying is that I don't believe they pre-exist. I believe that my fate or destiny - although God may know how my life will turn out - does not already exist. I believe I have command over what I do in life. I don't think of fate or destiny as the events that end my life, but as the grand total of all that my life has amounted to. That's quantity. I want to do it all. More importantly, I want to do it all WELL. That's quality. So, where I have been lacking in my practice of what I believe, I am improving upon until I reach excellence. So, don't wish me luck, but wish me well. I'll do the same for you. Keep looking out for what you really want in life and it will find you. Karma exists. This is why I'm so interested in Buddhism. It's not as much of a religion as it is a practice of doing unto others and you would have them do unto you.

That's all for now. I hope you all find peace today.
SHALOM!

What "The Word" Really Is

I know I have a long history of telling people that religion by itself is a joke. I'm still standing by what I said if you go by my definition of religion, but for those of you that don't know that definition, I define religion as a ritual of any kind that is shallow, faithless, and mindless. In other words, religion without faith is just religion. Religion with faith is a way of life.

Religion with faith and belief is nice, but religion with empty faith and blind belief is the driving force behind the religious wars of our age. This is why I disagree that parents should indoctrinate their children in the religions they were brought up in. Yes, the child should be made aware of his/her parents' beliefs, but those beliefs should not be forced upon him/her. This is my first problem with religion. All the people who have been brought up a certain way are not allowed to decide for themselves what they truly believe because they are effectively brainwashed into accepting that there is no other way to live. We should be allowed to decide for ourselves.

My friend Josh and I went to a bookstore yesterday and he casually mentioned that there is a verse in 1 Timothy having to do with the status of women and how they might be saved. As he described it to me, I thought to myself about how it couldn't possibly be in the Bible, much less the New Testament, but then we looked it up and I was surprised to find that what he had said was true. The Apostle Paul says:

A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety.
- 1 Timothy 2:11-15

Let me begin by saying that I disagree with these verses and that I don't believe women are subservient to men. Personally, I learn better from women and am better able to speak with them than men. I think that although the books of the Bible may be God-inspired, it wasn't as if each person doing the writing didn't add a bit of his own ethic. Also, there are portions of the Bible that have been entirely removed and even destroyed because they enraged the religious. For these reasons, I find that the Bible in its entirety is not infallible. Now, before the religious folks crucify me for what I just said, let me clearly specify what I'm saying and why I believe what I say. Please be aware that when I say "the religious", I mean those who practice blindly and sooner condemn than practice what Christ taught.

When I say that the Bible is not infallible the religious immediately throw John 1:1 at me. "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." For me to say that the Bible is not infallible would make God imperfect and thus nonexistent because "the Word was God." Well, I believe that John 1:1 is completely true, but where I differ from the religious is my definition of "the Word." The Word is not the Holy Bible. The Bible didn't even exist as the book we know it be when John 1:1 was written. The Word is the message of salvation that Christ taught, not a book of contradictory teachings. Christ taught the message, but Christ was the message - the Word was God. Christ was and is a message from the Father. Christ is God. God is eternal. No, God is sempiternal, meaning having neither beginning nor end. The Word has always existed.

If you understand what I'm saying, refer back to 1 Timothy as written by the apostle Paul, an imperfect man. We don't know if Mary Magdalene ever had children, but if we base our beliefs on the words in 1 Timothy and assume she didn't give birth, she had to have gone to Hell. What about the women who cannot bear children? What about the women who are already in positions of authority over men? Does Joyce Meyer ring any bells? So, the first things most non-Christians think when they hear of Christianity are negative thoughts. This is because the Body of Christ (as we are called in the Bible) lives mostly outside the teachings and example of Jesus. The Body has become the religious. Consider how contradictory the Bible is before you judge the church that follows it. Jesus never says that believing in the Bible will grant us entry to Heaven. He says that the one who believes in him will live.

Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die. Do you believe this?"
- John 11:25-26

So, if the religious still want to shut me up I hope they remember that it was they who crucified Jesus, not the Jews. For those of us who are fed up with the rigid, fundamentalist, dogmatic approach to true Christianity, remember that the most important thing is following and believing in Christ, not blindly practicing the imperfect, misled religion we so often discredit him for.

If anyone is interested, I'm looking into Buddhist-Christianity. I can't say I'll follow it, but I'm looking into it.

Where's the surprise?

I’m sitting at McAlister’s Deli in Norman, OK, thinking about how much more I can procrastinate before getting back to work on my summer school homework. I need to get some thoughts out of my head before I get back to work. Writing them down will help me brush them out of my head later as I work. I know my life looks great on paper – that it looks like I’m this guy who’s got it all together and planned out – but lately I hate looking at all these plans I’ve got because they don’t account for surprises; there are no adventures. I haven’t been able to shake the urge to either backpack Europe, spend some time sailing the Caribbean, scaling the Andes, or trekking across Australia and New Zealand. If I have to spend another year in Oklahoma with things as mundane and expected as they’ve been, I’m going to go out of my mind.
There are so many things I want to do in my life. Medicine will be my career, but what of the rest of my life? Where’s my grand adventure? Where’s my incredible quest? What of my scandalous affair with a bronzed, mysterious Basque woman in France? Where is the enthralling story I’ll write about or share with my children? I’m missing something and neither school, nor church, nor work has been able to give me what I’m craving. Yearning isn’t the appropriate word. For some reason I equate that word with sex, i.e. “a yearning in her loins.”
I’m dying to find my niche. What will I be remembered for? I can contribute all I want to the success of society, but what can I claim wholly as mine? I’ve done everything for the benefit of society, but I have no exceptional stories and no unforgettable exploits to boast of.
When will I catch my break?