Legacies

I was born in the middle of the afternoon on a hot day in August. My maternal grandmother missed her 50th high school reunion when she heard I was on the way.
My grandmother was with us when, six days after I was born, my mother was at home helping my father fix the leg on a large machine when it fell, knocked her down, and broke her back. My father couldn't wait for an ambulance, so he took the leaf of our kitchen table, strapped my mother to it, and took her to the hospital. As she was being strapped to her makeshift wooden stretcher, she said to her mother, "Take care of my babies." My mom still gets choked up when she talks about that. I can't blame her. Things wouldn't get back to normal for her for many weeks, but her recovery and the care for my brother and me would not have gone so smoothly had it not been for my grandmother.
After my mother recovered and was no longer on bed rest, my grandmother would get up early to open a convenience store in the small town where she lived and then drive to our house to take care of my brother and me while my parents worked. She was always there for us. There wasn't anything she wouldn't do to take care of us. She even knew exactly what to do if my brother was upset or angry. To this day I'm not sure anyone has had the effect on him that she had. In many ways she was the cornerstone of our family.
And so, just over a year after my birth, the doctors said there was nothing they could do and my grandmother's daughters and their husbands watched helplessly as the cancer slowly took her away from everyone she loved. There isn't a day where she isn't desperately missed. I never got to know her, but I've come to miss the woman so many people speak so highly of.
There's so much about her I don't know. I don't know what her cooking tasted like, how her hugs felt, or what she smelled like. I don't know what she sounded like beyond a short video tape we have of her.
However, there are things about her I do know. I know she was dedicated and that she loved her family immeasurably. I know she was a worry-wart and that my father and uncle would playfully tease her about it. I know in her younger years she was very attractive although she was very shy. I know she gave everything she had for her children. I know she was funny, but more than anything I know she was loved because neither of her daughters can speak much of her without coming to tears. She was their rock and - even though she isn't here - I like to think that everything that was good and right and noble about her can be seen in her children. I like to think that the stories she would have told and the wisdom she would have passed down to me can still be found in her children. I like to think the same about both of my grandfathers.
There are so many beautiful things I could have learned from my departed grandparents. The essentials - like being a good man, taking responsibility, and doing what is right - may not be impossible to learn, but such things might have come easier to me with their help and coaching. But, because they were absent when I would have been able to remember them, there are things about them I will never know.
So, at the age of 24, there's quite a bit I still don't know about myself because I don't know much about those I have come from. Sure, I know a lot about the day-to-day person I am, but I don't know how to honor the legacies of those whose lives led to mine. I don't know much about the person I'm able to be. I've been in search of that person for a long time. My grandparents would have wanted me to experience all of the good things they experienced and more, but my hope is to find in myself all that was good in them. Maybe then I will have honored their legacies by becoming the good man they would have hoped for: a man they would be proud to call their grandson. I owe them that much.

Sad and Funny

Things are going very well for me. I have two jobs, one of which allows me a large amount of time to study. My courses are fun even though they're challenging. I've got all this hope and optimism floating around in my head and I guess I'm exuding it because people have told me so. The thing is, even with all the great things happening and the hopeful outlook I've got, being able to share all these great things with someone is something I desperately crave.
In 24 years of living I've never had a problem being alone, but someday I'll have to graduate college and enter the real world. When that day comes I may not have a problem with being alone. When that day comes I may realize that being in a relationship is just not something I am prepared for or capable of. But until that day comes, and until I have a grasp of how likely it is that someone will want to be with me, I can't help but be petrified by the thought of being alone. I can't help that I am devastated when my closest friends fall in love and forget about me or when they drop me for other people. I can't help that I feel destitute and helpless at the thought that they have something I don't: the ability to forget about everyone and everything when with that certain someone. I can't help that I feel hopeless about my love life, but at least I'm hopeful about most everything else.

Life is sad, but life is funny. Our pain makes us more aware of our happiness, I guess.

“You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.”
- Buddha (Hindu Prince Gautama Siddhartha, the founder of Buddhism, 563-483 B.C.)

Unique

Something is either unique or it isn't. There are no degrees of uniqueness.

I'm in a unique situation experiencing emotions that are not unique. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I feel hopeful and hopeless at the same time. I've still got some of the happy-go-lucky state of mind from my childhood, but I'm feeling the need to grow up. I don't want to do that. Everyone has to do it - even those who never really knew what a gift their childhood was when they had it; if they had it. This is such a strange existence I have. My past has been plagued with overwhelming anxiety and self-doubt. If anyone told me I couldn't do something I believed them, but I haven't given up. I won't. I can't. I've come too far to give up. I'm not here to validate myself in the eyes of the world, but to validate myself in my own eyes. I'm here to know what it feels like to be truly successful. I'm here to know what it is to accomplish my greatest dream and continue to live it.

There are so many things I want, but I'd mostly love not to feel so alone. I've spent my past isolated from the friends and family I love, whether emotionally or physically. I'm still looking for someone I can connect with without fear of judgment or that awkward feeling when putting oneself out there. I'd love my friends to know that I think of them as family and not just friends.
I may not have many close friends, but I'd give my life for the few I have. I have a lot of love to give and few who might return it. I feel unique in this situation, but I know I'm not. No one likes being alone all the time.

I'm might be ready for a relationship. I don't know yet.

Something is either unique or it isn't. Which am I?

Ready?

Maybe I'm not ready for love yet, but I think I might be close. Maybe no one is ever ready. I don't even know that I'm cut out for love - to be half of a couple. It's a strange picture: me in a relationship. It's one I haven't really seen myself in. It's a picture I don't think many people who know me can see me in. I've had more pictures taken of myself alone than with someone. I don't get my picture taken much. I'm the stranger who is asked to take pictures of others using their cameras. The vacationers. The lovers. The newlyweds. I don't have to be seen or even remembered, but that's my greatest fear. It's funny how we set ourselves up for that which we try so desperately to avoid. I'm ready to be seen and remembered - and loved.

I'll be turning 24 years old this next week, but I can't quite call it a milestone until I've got something to show for it. Right now, it's just a number. It's not a bad number, just one that I thought I'd feel differently about. Where has my summer gone? Here it is coming to a close and it's everything I thought it would be, but not. I met most of my goals this summer. The one I didn't accomplish that is at the top of the list is a summer romance. It was only a soft goal anyway. Tentative. Lofty. Laughable. Easy to dream of, but a rarity even for the average twenty-something. I'm not really that disappointed about not being able to check it off the list. Maybe I want an unorthodox, unlikely romance. My brain is trying to make plans and decisions only my heart is qualified to make.

I did pretty much nothing yesterday. I watched two movies; one of them twice. I confess: they were romantic comedies. Wow, that's easier to type than it is to say out loud. It makes me seem desperate even though I don't feel desperate. I think I watched them for motivation and hope. Mainly hope, I guess. Hollywood makes life seem so much easier than it really is. Fortunes are easy to make when peddling beautiful dreams. Too bad most of the people in the world don't realize those dreams. I like foreign films. They don't always have sugar-coated endings like American movies do. I wouldn't mind having a sugar-coated love-life though.

I'm living with my best friend from high school now. My parents (mainly my dad) don't like that my roommate is a woman, but they (he) will survive. It's done. It's the smartest, best-planned living situation I've ever been in. I just hope my potential girlfriend(s? Ha!) doesn't mind me living with a woman I've known for ten years. I guess I wouldn't date a girl that cared so much. I'm really happy with my decision. Now I just need to get the rest of my stuff moved in. Today. Maybe I shouldn't think so much about things outside of school. I don't know if I'm distracting myself. So what if I am?

I always thought growing up meant knowing the consequences of our actions before we commit them, but no one can really say without a doubt what the consequences are. I guess that means none of us ever really grow up. Boy Scouts will tell you, "Be prepared," but we're never ready for what life throws us. I'm starting to think that the meaning of life is simply to love. It's true that it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. Not knowing love has made me a bit calloused and cynical. I guess that's the consequence for my emotional ignorance. I'm paraphrasing Pearl S. Buck, but she says that the heart will harden and shrivel away if it doesn't have another to answer to. I really would like my heart to have another to answer to. I don't think that's such an unreasonable thing to want, but I've lived this long without it, so I'm sure I can continue living without it. I'm just not sure I can say I'm living if I don't try. I think only those who have truly loved have truly lived. Maybe I'm ready after all.

Twice As Far

If anyone wants you to help carry a load, go with him twice as far.

- Matthew 5:41 (Worldwide English)

I love this verse. While I still have objections to what most Christians believe God to be about, this translation helps me connect at least emotionally to the kind of being God is. Serving is a form of worship for me. I feel like I've accomplished something not only for those being served, but for myself. I'm sacrificing time to help someone in need. By doing twice as much as I'm expected to I'll reap twice the reward. That reward may simply be a sense of satisfaction in my work, but that's all I want. I want to feel like I'm making a difference. I guess I need that feeling. I feel motivated when I've helped others because I've helped myself learn what it is to be a better person. Maybe there's a gene for generosity. If I can find a way to turn it on in everyone I will have improved the course of evolution as well as the human condition. Ah, pipe dreams!

"Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is. The most important product of his effort is his own personality."
- Erich Fromm

My life is one large bundle of change right now. I'm moving, finally receiving help in school (and life), and I am looking for a mentor. I'm also about to start working in health care once I finish my certification course. I'm looking for leadership, volunteer, and research opportunities. So far, this school year promises not to disappoint.

Everything's Not Lost

Well, the results are in. I worry too much.

In an effort not to divulge too much information I won't be saying much about my diagnoses. I will say, however, that none of the results from my testing are surprising. My IQ fell in the "Very Superior" range. I'm up there with the movers and shakers as far as IQ is concerned.

Something that is important to note is that people in the range I showed up in generally have perfect or near-perfect GPAs. Now that I know what the problem is and how do address it I expect to be performing much like those in my range - if not exceeding them. The whole process of having the results shown to me gave me a lot of hope. Later, when I was sitting at home listening to music, I turned on one of my favorite playlists and the song "Everything's Not Lost" by Coldplay started playing. It has been my theme music for the day. It just goes to show that in five years of schooling and feeling like a miserable failure I can still feel confident in my abilities to become whatever I want to be. While that goal hasn't changed in four of those years, it seems much more attainable now. I know I can do it. Give me some time to adjust to this new approach and I'll fill you all in on my performance.

Peace and Love,
The Unencumbered

Define Your Legacy

And did you exchange a walk-on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?
- "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd

Are you comfortable with conformity? If not, are you willing to accept that you might not get anywhere by living outside the norm?

I'm not comfortable with conformity. I have to accept that everything I'm doing in hopes of realizing my dreams might all be for naught, but I will not sit by and do nothing. I have to accept that by not choosing the easy road I might be setting myself up for disappointment. All I know is that I owe it to myself to fight for what I want. If at some point I come to the conclusion that my dream may not come true I'll at least be able to say I gave it my best shot. It doesn't matter that playing the lead role has limitations. I believe that we each define our limitations. I might end up in a cage, but I intend to define the size of the cage.
I choose the lead role. I can be a team player in academia and my career, but I have to play the lead in living my life. I will not wait for someone to tell me what to do with it.
I choose to be extraordinary and remarkable in spite of the limitations the world may create for me. They are not insurmountable.

I may not have a perfect résumé or grade point average, but surrendering because of my imperfections would make me a coward. Those imperfections make me more qualified than most.

We learn wisdom from failure much more than from success. We often discover what will do, by finding out what will not do; and probably he who never made a mistake never made a discovery.
- Samuel Smiles

While others may see my breaking free from the crowd negatively, they may not hold such an assertion once they see what I am capable of. I cannot give up, nor will I.